I can say, I do not know...

While at work......

2009 marked the beginning of an era where-in I had to attend this call at least biweekly..
The Quality Call or the QC.....that occurs every day and I had to dial in to it if any of my supported products had an issue.
Everyone on the call used to be bombarded with appropriate and relevant technical questions that always started with ...
when did this..?
how did it.. ?
how long it ..?
why it had to..?
what caused.. ?
what was done..?
what time this was... ?
when can you...?
what impact.. ?
who owns this.. ?
and many more...

Even with 5 years’ experience tag on my shoulders – I was kind of nervous to attend this call...
This was a tough time where 6pm evenings used to be scary time...
I attended many of it – but still a small nervousness always used to creep in....
During these calls....many times I responded not knowing what I had to say exactly and at times relied on others on the call to answer it for me..
This pattern continued...for we were having a busy support time on most of our products... most often had late night SWAT calls, later action review meetings, root cause identification... bug fixes... all that sums up the activities of end to end support..

But yes, there had to be a trigger to end this scary crow episode...
Until then... one fine evening....in one of the teleconference meeting with my Big-Boss Steve ..... (his office is in US.. so we used to have one call with him monthly)
He popped out this question from nowhere....I guess...
“Shruthi - I had to ask you this .... how ok are you attending Quality calls ? Are you ok being there? Is it pretty late for you to attend ? any trouble you have or do you go to it with fear? If you are not ok – just let know”

I was surprised as that was out of context.... but yeah... I was glad he asked that...while somewhere back of my mind I had it running – how did you find out that I am afraid to attend the call?
My reply to him was an indirect or may not be the right one... I was not ready to admit that I was starting to dislike the calls... coz of my unsaid fear...
“hmm...it’s ok... Steve, I don’t have any problems to attend...hmmm.... It’s that......hmm..... sometimes I don’t have answers to tell them when they ask.. ..and huh..sometimes it’s too early to investigate and put across the right answers before the call.... so I kind of find it difficult at times ...”

The long pause between words was enough for him or for the matter anyone to understand I was running in a mode called QC fear ..... the fear of putting across the wrong things to senior technical people on the call... the distress of answering to those questions which I can’t even make out what it meant...an unsaid shame of going wrong in a call when a hundred ears are listening to only you..

Steve’s response was not exactly the same as below.. but it came to me like a bulls eye shot....
“That is ok , it always happens, you don’t need to have all answers with you... Whoever may be asking, whatever it is – just tell them straight – ‘I don’t know... I do not have an answer to this one’. You can always tell them to follow up with you later.. You don’t have to be scared of anyone– they ask questions because that is their job to do so...and you are doing a wonderful job.... I can ask your manager to attend it. You don’t need to stay back evenings all the time for the QC.”

“Ok. Steve. Ok... Thank you..” My response to him was short... I was not quite sure what more I wanted to say..
....and the meeting continued with other topics...

By the time I came back from the meeting room to my desk – that alien feeling with the QC had gone off...
I was not feeling any fear...it was like I was all ready for a thousand calls..
I repeated his words in my mind.....
With the blue marker I wrote it on my desk...“I can say, I do not know”
================================================================
Many people around you ....inspire.. encourage....motivates and drives you...your family ,besties ...your hero figures....
.... but very few can reach to the unknown darker or deeper side of you... they just fly in and move those big rocks that was stopping you from doing things....


By a word... or a deed or a small gesture they help us in ways we never thought of...
And true that things like this may be happening to me daily... or may be with every one of us...
We normally don’t notice these things that others does for us ...
Many unsaid ‘Thank you’ s always remain in our life....

P.S. :
Dedicating this post to Steve....
A small sign to show how much of positives he has brought to my life... Thank you!!

Fail again for love..

True love happens to you only once...may be it's a state where one fails..!!
Sometimes it’s too hard to win over with that state of life...!!
The state where you try hard...hard..and still try harder....and still fail!!
How hard u try to hide it in you..or you try to bury it inside….never works..!!

Love doesn’t fail...ever.....it always win over you...always..!!
It wins over you in a way that you never would have dreamt of happening..!!!
It wins over you in a way that your heart is tied up - along with ur body and soul..!!
It wins over you in a way that you start fighting with anything that blocks its way...!!!

An attempt to escape seems so impossible when it has knocked your door once...!!
All your experience, all your strategy, all your efforts never works against it!!
Try harder to get rid of it, love bangs you and finds a way to stay inside you!!!
And when love wins over you...all you would want to do is fail again and again for it!!!

From scratch...!!!

"I want to engineer and build a product from scratch, not this additional modules or pieces."

I wondered what you exactly had in mind when you said that?

I smiled back at you with no voice...a silent thought lingered in my mind on the saying....

"If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch,
you must first invent the universe"

My voice is on my wall, so is yours...!!!

Facebook is on my favorites, most visited, recent history, recently closed tabs... I hope many of us do have the same name on their browser or on their ipad, iphone or so called tablets...

Many of us - just like me - use this to stay in touch with friends, acquaintances, have fun, play games, meet old school friends, make new friends, hunt jobs....and much more... Yes. Orkut, twitter, fb, linkedn all of them for sure helped me in many ways...but is this really working out for me in ways I really want to? Is this really working out for all of us as it should – or is FB controlling our emotions?

Is this blue page slowly painting my relations blue? what if these social sites is in actual driving my relations? Is posting on my friend's wall really giving the same feel as I would give it in person...? Staying in touch with FB is giving me an excuse to call them ? meet them ? maybe even message them or email them? Why do I expect my friends to know my life's action, good news, bad news, my thoughts.....through FB? and why do they have to give an excuse "I posted on FB, u didn't know, u didn't see?"


Is this wall really helping my relations ? Is it there to build or drift us in ways we never knew...? There used to be times where at least a call made sure that we are in touch... but nowadays my voice is on my wall and I hear my friend/family through their likes and comments.
Are you waiting for my smile and tears on the wall?
Will you recognize my voice if I happen to give a call?
Or am I the real Dumbo here- my friends and family do expect a call or a post on FB is enough for them?

Thoughts churning inside me - on how FB is taking relations to new directions….!!!!!
My relation with you grows with the number of posts on ur wall, my likes, my comments... if I stay on your timeline every second does that make me your good close buddy? Are we all starting to judge and measure our relations with the count of likes and comments ?
This blog post is eventually gonna hit on my wall – and yes no shame in admitting that I keep a watch on who likes , # of likes? who comments on this etc…..?
So is this open book really making my social life come into a vertex where there is no escape?

Huh!!!! Is this just another crazy thought running in my head -? Or let me guess...Am I slowly feeling to get bored of fb? Or am I trying to judge this wall? Or is it poking me so much that I need to take break from this blue window ?

The best friends I ever knew!!

The only friend you have, had and will always have..
I think I know who it is.. It’s CHANGE…

Time’s best friend - ( a fictional thought )

No one would dare to make friends with you…
Why would anyone want to get stuck with time…?
I am all the while fighting with you to make a living.
Why should I tolerate your tastes and your dramas..?
Who will stick to you forever and would want to?
You are already so much in love with Change…
You hold on to Change in every tick of yours..
The only best buddy you want to be with …

Your relation with change is so horrifying to me…
And sometimes it acts as the way to happiness..
Your relation with change is so annoying to me..
And sometimes it’s so very soothing too..
It helps me feel new passions, new relations, new aches..
It helps me give new promises, new chances, new pains..
It helps me grow old, grow strong, grow wise..
It helps me see new paths, new sunrise, new life..

I don’t know whether I should be happy that you both are best buddies.
But it’s true your relation with change influence my life a lot..
I don’t think I would ever able to decide why you both are best friends…
But it’s true your relation with change helps me decide my best friends…

When I was born , I was tied to you...
Just like you were tied to Change..

I realize you– that with time - change is a must..
How hard I try – I can never separate you both..
You are the best friends I ever knew!!
If I embrace time, I am holding hands with change too!!!


P.S. - I wanted to express more - but not able to write more on the relation with time and change!! They both share a relation that I can never express in my simple , silly words!!

Expectations Fulfilled.....

The pressure in a relation to meet the expectation of the other…
Is that the most challenging part….?
Needless to say that everyone wants the same...
It doesn’t matter if you are an all time “Meets expectation” of another...
At some point you will fall short of any one’s expectation, any one’s feelings, any one’s trust...
A time is there, may be you can’t do it or hold it for long...
But that doesn’t mean you are not capable of it…And that doesn’t mean that you are not fit for a relation...

My dear, just need to give a second thought and see what you are..
If you feel that you are falling short of one’s feelings…and you know that you can hurt them coz of that..
And knowing that you tried and couldn’t make it out the best....but still know how the other feels..
Guess that’s it - Be happy that you understand the emotions of the other..
Yeah, just be happy you tried..The thing that only matters is that you tried...
You know you haven’t come short of the expectation of who you are..

Fill your bucket first – never fall short of being what you are..
My expectations of what I am from me – that’s what is I need to fulfill!!!!!
In the end its just about being happy of who you are….:-)

Scream to make a difference?

It is natural for one person in love to feel that nothing more than me in this world will ever matters to the person I love.
It is natural for a person having a best friend to feel that no matter what happens, my friend is always there for me ...

These thoughts and feelings have no reason for themselves....
We feel that - for we want to feel that way - that's what makes us happy!!
But in real - these feelings have no meaning...at all..!!!
Feelings change , so is people, so is friends, so is love!!!

Sometimes it is just not enough to know that the person we love is beside us...
Its required to have it make it feel somehow - that they are really there!!!

Sometimes it is just not enough to hear from the other that they haven't changed..
Its required to have to make it feel that same thoughts still persists!!!

It is so hard to experience the change a relation goes through in different times....It may become strong or weak with time, but the best times never come again...
It is so hard to adjust with changing time, changing relations, changing feelings, changing reactions, changing words....on top of all changing eyes!!!

It’s true that friends try to be in touch - but it’s actually so hard to be in touch (in presence) after having their own priorities and responsibilities in life....
Still, heart wishes that old times come over, any time call, any time talks, any time see....anytime ,anywhere...!!!

I was in a phase of my life, where i wanted my best loved ones or friends to be side of me....
It came to realization soon - that no matter how deep rooted a relation or love is, there are times where life's priorities take over the value of relations..
Having not felt the presence of my friends, I felt sad...
but then later i felt - sometimes it wouldn't have made any difference if they were somewhere nearby. All would be busy in their own things...
Now it’s like used to not having one beside - when in actual need...(emotional support being by side is what everyone wants)

Why is it so hard to be the same way as we were one day? Is it because change is a rule of nature and all of us are forced to change in some way or the other...
I don't know....why I am so emotional nowadays... and still hard to express it.

Yes, I am finding hard to say it to the world –
“Yes, I feel lonely with none of my friends really beside me”.
I wanted to scream and shout this and say to all my close friends out there , but what if the scream doesn’t make any difference?

This post is reaching nowhere!!! Winding up!!!

I love you so much…!!!

I love you with all my heart..
And this will never change..
I love you with all my soul...
And this I know is forever…

You directed me what’s right and wrong…
You prepared me to be strong and brave..
You shared to me whatever was yours..
You embraced me with all love you have..

You proved how to trust, how to keep it…
You pushed me far to overcome the fear..
You taught how to fight against myself…
You showed me the world and its beauty..

You realized me the value of relations..
You taught the need to be sentimental..
You revealed me to cry in pain, stay unhurt.
You helped me weep in whisper and smile..

You are the greatest support in my life....
You are the greatest treasure in my life…
You taught me how to respect myself…
You helped me be what I am today..

Without you I would have been lost..
For I wouldn’t exist then in this world..
You have been the source for my inspiration...
And I always want to be just like you…

I am myself when I am with you..
no pretensions..with no second thoughts....
no complaints... with no arrogance...
Love is filled in my heart coz of you only...
For its you who showed me what it is…

Ever since I was born in you...
I have been a part of you....
I always wanna be like that…
Never far away from you…

Whatever in this world, I am always right beside you…
I love you my mom!!! I love you so much…!!!

I did it right!!

Sometimes life is too short to sit and imagine..
What I did is right or wrong...??

I liked what I did, when I did it, where I did it, whom I did for....the way I did it!!!!!
That’s more for me...to be sure ; yes I did it right...!!!

Forgetting the Recycle bin…

Some experience in life – if its good we always want them to be cherished. We never forget them.
But some, if it’s a bad one that caused pain, tear, embarrassment or failure – we just want them out of memory.
I often do the same – good memories – relive them at most of the times making life beautiful.
And never never try to think of the bad times that I came across in life…
But I wonder why this ridiculous, stupid, terrible old bad moments come to me at times and make my life out of tune?
Guess I failed to do something…like I forgot to learn something….?

I strive to avoid and run away from the unwanted strain in my life…
I don’t care about those things in life that takes away a smile from me…
I always remember to delete stressful things…and put them all in my bin….
But it’s so true that I keep forgetting this bin of mine..

I stare at the Recycle bin on my computer..…more than 3000 items..:-)
That number counts from Jan 2010 – that is 3000 items for 40 days.??
I wondered then ; I can’t blame my life- for my mind is still carrying some old junk!!
Is up to me if I want to really delete or keep them still in my life…
Restore option in the bin- makes me think – Is this to repair the terrible bad past stuffs and give a thought on it?
Is it kept so – that I can make use of these in my life somewhere in the coming days….
I realize it’s up to me if I want to delete or restore a stuff that’s already there in my bin…

I forget that my mind is a recycle bin – not at times – may be always…
May be I never understand the meaning of this word ‘Recycle’ in my life…

!!

Trying to wear those bangles that are already broken to pieces!!

cluttering mind and muddled words..

What do I write for…??
I write to be in touch to the body and the soul…
Yes , I write whatever is melting inside me…
And in case If seen…is only the smoke…
And the melted doesn’t tastes good…..
Yeah!! I have to struggle more..!!

What do I write for…??
I write to be in touch to the heart and the mind…
Yes, I write whatever is burning inside me…
And in case If seen…..is only the smoke..
And the blaze fire doesn’t show up…
Yeah!! I have to struggle more..!!

[[Thinking of fire, it’s such an unbeatable element in this world…
The fire in which the clay goes hard and the one in wax melts..
Embrace the pain and use this fire to burn it as fuel for the journey…
Or get haunted with the flames and be buried in its fuming rage]]

Silence – is where I want to go...

Where you are losing the faith...
Give hope and break your death.
Where you are feeling parched...
Give splash and break your thirst.
Where you shed your own blood...
Give peace and break the fight.
Where you survive in the sinister...
Give shine and break the darkness.
Where you long for the soothing...
Give warmth and break your pain.
Where you plead for the mercy...
Give honesty and break prejudice.
Where you stumble as innocent...
Give knowledge and break ignorance.
Where you crawl as odd shadow...
Give name and break the nightfall.
Where you breathe unheard horror...
Give certainty and break your fear.
Where you live ever rising selfish...
Give my love and break your hate.

Yes..This is where I want to go...
And give away all my strength...
Silence is where I want to go...
Scream loud and break all deaf...

(I see & hear & feel - still I fail to give & react to silence )
:-(

Hating helplessness…

At times where someone dear to you is struggling...
And you can feel clearly that its utmost pain to them...
Yeah, nothing can help – wait and watch...

At times where someone dear to you is stressed...
And you know the deep rooted reason for the stress...
Yeah, nothing can help – wait and watch...

At times where someone dear to you is frazzled...
And you know what to do to provide the soothe...
Yeah, nothing can help – wait and watch...

At times where someone dear to you is tied...
And you know where to find those chain keys...
Yeah, nothing can help – wait and watch...

Sometimes life is so helpless….And now I feel so helpless...
I feel handcuffed -for the only thing I can do now...
Only thing I can do is - stop worrying of my dear one...
Only thing I can do happens to be the most impossible one...

The typical girl thoughts ....

A 3rd time denial would have been a straight cut to say that 'Get out of my way" ,but yes I was rushing from office to home and wondering if traffic would get me home on time. That was the reason I thought of getting onto it...

First time - I had denied it..saying I was not to that direction....Second time while I was at the bus stop I could see the vehicle getting slow..but I just waved my hands indicating that I am not gonna join...
Daily journey is in the public transport - own bengaloooru bmtc....and yeah my mp3 player and my creative buds helps me strive through the traffic all days...The idea of getting a lift never seemed bad to me if it’s a car I am getting into..But yeah to sit with a guy - whom you just know a bit 'hi-bye' kind of...on the back seat of the bike is not such a relaxed idea....I am so much used to the back seat of a bike since I am ten years old..and I hate the idea of ride with some stranger...it was never a comfy zone for me..be it girl or guy...

I hardly turned or coloured professional relationships into personal taste.....very few in number that had turned into friendships..That explains why I was trying to recall his name - when the bike stopped aside me and the question was just going to shoot at me....It was just a few metres away from my office building and yeah the urgency to reach home sooner made me get onto it...Of course it was embarrassing to hear from him say that he saw me waving a bbye to him on the roads last time and that was the reason for him not to stop... I wanted to say - ‘its not coz I have a problem with you….but I don’t like the idea of it..’ –but I remained shut...
Sometimes it’s hard to be in conversation when u don’t have any topic..but somehow I managed to flow thru - traffic – roads – journeys - harsh auto ridings- drive in rain- office timings – work deadlines – etc… A couple of previous conversations with him had made me feel that he is not a bad guy......I was sitting on the bike holding the back handle making sure the distance..while I would have sat a bit more closer with my hands on the shoulders if the rider was in my close friend’s list.

I remembered when one of my friend AA had told about this...“ sab kudiyaan jaanthi hain ki bike pe kaise betna hai...aur front brake's kaise handle karna hai...tum ladki log sab jaantey hain kiskey saath kaise rehna hai...”

The tries of maintaining the gap between didn’t seem harder, but yeah I thought about AA , It’s very true that a girl knows how to get treaty with a guy....in the way she actually wants...
Reaching in less than half hour...I got down at main road – rather alighting in front of my house – the reason I had to go to travels to cancel and book the bus tickets for vacation savd me... It was a sports bike – I noticed it only when I got down from it as the back seat height was more than the normal ones..:-(
I wished I didn’t …hear that question to answer…
"If you are leaving in the mornings by 8:30 – 9 – you can give me a call okei..."
"let me see…, Thanks" that’s all I could say to him...
Was that to kill the lonely drive he doing all mornings, or was just a friendly approach...to take in..

Thoughts creeped in for a while....A girlish nature of mine never peeps out much –replying in that sort of a way...but I was surprised today – a typical girlish – and her thoughts were giving birth this evening...

She...

In this thunder and lightning...
She stand all drenched...
Without a hope of an umbrella...
Like a small kid left alone...

In this heavy traffic and chaos...
She stand all bothered...
Without a symptom of green signal...
Like a strider in the crowd...

In this cluster of clouds seen..
She stand as odd one out...
Without a warn of wind to sway off..
Like the darkest black to douse..

In this widest and deepest sea..
She stand all fluttered...
Without a sign of ray of light...
Like an isolated lost boat...

In this vivacious world...
She stand all troubled...
Without a wide cheer of smile..
Like a still snap with tears..

In this colourful world...
She stand all searching...
Without a shade of colour...
Like a new baby born blind...

In this mysterious game of love
She stand all the while alive...
Without a beat of heart heard..
Like a soul reborn dead for life..

More and More....

If ever you feel…
I am within you more..
If ever you feel…
I am close 2 you more..
If ever you feel…
I am showing you more..
If ever you feel…
I am surprising you more..
If ever you feel…
I am cheering you more..
If ever you feel…
I am longing you more..
If ever you feel…
I am understanding you more..
If ever you feel…
I am possessing you more..
If ever you feel…..
I am caring you more…
If ever you feel…
I am hugging you more..
If ever you feel…
I am trusting you more..
If ever you feel…
I am adoring you more..
If ever you feel…
I am kissing you more..
If ever you feel…
I am clinging you more..
If ever you feel…
I am loving you more..



For all the things in life..
That I do to you is more...
Just a smile of yours will…do…
To let know what I do is more…
And a smile of mine will promise…
For all I can do is more and more…

Frozen...

Oh, how much I had to cry aloud..
Oh, how much I had to wheeze in vain..
I can no longer breathe on my own..
I can no longer flow on my own…..
I can no longer take shape I wish….
I can no longer make me sweetened..
I can no longer wipe away your tears…
I can never float in your fingers…
I can never now drench your thirst….
I can never never look the same...
I can never never meet real self..
Oh, this is real change to me…
Oh, this is never gonna change…
You could have stopped this change
Then I would have stayed the same..
You could have called out my name..
Then I would have stayed the same….

Was it for I didn’t have colours of you..
Was it for fear I could have drowned you..
Was it for I didn’t have taste of you..
Was it for fear I could have drained you..
You could have touched me once..
Then I would have stayed the same…
You could have hold me once..
Then I would have stayed the same…
You used to call me my sweet water
Now I stay just as an ice in your glass

For you used to need me every moment..
Now you just don’t need me anymore..
I know I will remain stiff now…
For I can’t move to touch you ….
I wish I get burned someday…
For I can then touch the sky….
Float in the air to reach you..
And stay inside you forever…

A word called TRUST…

Is this TRUST a mere word? A word to fit in a sentence “Yes I trust you”
Or does it actually have any other meaning…more than anyone have thought of!!
People say you can never define love… Some has lots of definitions for it….Some even write essays on what is love..some just stay dumb…
But have u ever thought of defining what is trust?

What is the actual essence of trusting a person…..? Or how do you learn to trust a person?
I have heard a thousand times, ‘It is easier to build trust , but it takes only a moment to break one’
Is it like trusting a person is your own decision? Or is it circumstances lead to feel you the same for another..
Or is it like trust comes up in a relation naturally…
Or is it the other person makes you feel that he or she is worthy of the trusting factor..
Now tell me what is the trusting factor? Have I ever thought of it? What all it takes me to trust a person…
I meet, I talk, I know ,friendship born, bond of love… understand my yes and my no…. etc..etc..countless things…
Or is it just the feeling of love in any relation….the love that binds between the two..responsible for giving birth to trust.

I should at least think of it now…


Well, here this thought came in where I am confused whether a trust is broken? Or when can you actually say a trust is broken?
And does it breaks in just a moment in such a way…that it dies like can never be born again.
When trust breaks is it like things are never the same…..never ever the same….?
Where there is love trust stays….. or is it like diminishing love for each other weakens the trust?
What is the born factor of trust , and what is it that actually kills it between the two…
When I lie to you -I broke your trust?
When I do something that you don’t like - – I broke your trust?
When I act in ways u never thought of – I broke your trust?
When I turn my back to you for another person- I broke your trust?
When I disclose you or your secret- – I broke your trust?
When is it I break your trust…completely…. that a relation seize to exist…!!!
How is it you stop trusting a person whom you have been trusting from your childhood..
Your parents…something like a blind trust for they are the ones you see first in this world.
Your sister, your brother…..for they have grown up with you…in each step of yours….
Your school friend…Your close friend, Your roommate, Your colleague….
Now am I hearing some other voice in my heart, How is it the meaning of trust differing in each relation…
So is it like trust runs in a relation in the name of love? Or trust runs parallel to the feeling of love…
Oh, No I do have a small trust in the Bmtc bus driver? I sometimes do trust him blindly that he will make my journey safe to the landing point.
Then is there a relation with me and him? Nope?? Of course I don’t love him!!! But I do trust him to a level with safe thoughts.
So trust is not bonded to love…yes it may be parallel lines in the relation….
| | Lines in a relation, a relation where name exists or name not exists…or relation itself doesn’t exist…?
Trust, Belief, Loyalty – all linked with each other…

Cut it …Cut it..Cut it .....juz right here....juz now!!!!


Cmon , I am going from one end to another.....without touching what I want to express....

When, What? Where? Who? How? When questions running in my mind….
Juz because I am in the same place again……
Breaking my trust has happened even before…..
The times of shattering feeling coming inside this small heart…
That’s when you feel so bad…so sad….
Yes Its broken like never before…..
Dead to be never reborn again….
With you my dear , how can I ever feel the same….
Praying that I don’t start hating you…
And one day let it come… I hope…
Like me , may be you can never define what is trust..
Like me , may you soon soon realize what is trust…..

Time is not what you think...

Time is something, which u cant fight against...
it shows you only what it likes to..
and there's nothing u can do with it.....
neither rewind, nor stop.....
u can never win over it....
so don't fight.......my dear...
but always and always drift with it...
waiting for it to show good news and smiles.... :-)

Time changes all things, heals all pain, heals all wound..
BUT TIME CAN BE DANGEROUS TO OPEN UP AN ALREADY HEALED WOUND