Somethings there..

Something is there in mind to say to..
Something i want to write it down...
Something i want to scream so my voice gets heard..
But somehow running short of words... or is it that I am not able to speak out for feeling there's no one to hear me.....
Sometimes it gets so harder when you don't have anyone beside you to hear what you want to express..
All is needed a listener for the voice, an observer of the emotions..
Yeah!!!
Response is necessary for any human being.....
A writer expects comments on a book he recently wrote...be good or bad..
Yeah! Everyone needs a response in whatever they do...
But sometimes it is not true..to...an extent....
Sometimes the act of writing or playing around with words is just an expression of inner self......
Expression of inner self......for reasons of their own...in seek of self happiness? In seek of relief? In seek of ....whatever.....!!!!!!!
While penning down this, now i start having a thought, am i writing it down for myself, or for some others to show up or for a little understanding.....
What all is needed for a little life.....to move on...?
Yes , Yes I remember my college days where i used to write lots...so much of scribbles on papers...all for myself.....Writing used to make me happy, may be the word happy is not the correct one..in those times.. i used to write things for myself , as a sign of making me feel free from all those worries...putting down thoughts ; in the shape i wanted to ...Yeah, there are times when i ran short of words, and still do... sometimes helplessly searching for the right word to express it in the same intensity i wanted to..
Yes, there always occurs shortage of words for everyone once in their lifetime..., like I am experiencing now....
Even after writing it down, I get a feeling that this is not what i wanna say... But something more...i wanted to say this more beautifully....
I always thought and felt to an extent writing has helped in times of being lonely.....yes, mainly helped in times of lonely...when i say lonely i dont mean the's no one beside me, or ran short of words, but i ran short of listeners as i needed.....

Now when i sit alone in my room at this 10pm of Sunday night....i tend to recall my life...recall special moments, worst embarrassments, hard times, and all those been through..
Yes, something creeps in, and i felt i have to write in, but plight is worst...I can’t even pen down what i am feeling like at this moment or what i exactly want to write at this moment..
Is it that there is no shortage of words, but something bad is blocking on my throat for the words to come out..???
Hard is a state where you have no one beside to hear what u wanna express, but hardest is when you yourself doesn’t know what is that you want to express...

Going worse, hardly i wrote anything what i wanted to.....

Perfection is Impossible…??

If you feel perfection is impossible, then I guess you never have been in true love..
Once u feel true love… that’s it...
All seems so perfect inside you…outside you…above you… around you..within you…
Some are not so lucky to feel true love in their lifetime...
And some… phew…!!!! They never know they have fallen in love…
And yes the few number of those…
Who touches it like heaven..Yes, it’s then when you attain the unattainable….
Its then when you feel perfect… :-) perfect than any other….

Most words in this world… says;
“Pleasure of love last one moment while pain lasts a lifetime…,Oh why it has to be so…”
And I have heard people saying it…too.. In books I read.. in movies, in lyrics of songs I hear….
Yeah sometimes from my near ones too….!!!
Oh, I wonder what those people think who agrees to this phenomenon…
I find somewhat hard to agree to it….this stuff..(though explaining it is tougher)
Somehow I feel the pleasure lasts a lifetime and once u find love..
And that feeling keeps growing in you...
And when love grows in you.. how come u feel the pain...
I can at least pen it down and say – yeah pain is when you try to kick out the love grown in you...
Or pain is when you feel you still haven’t attained enough...
Happiness is what you feel inside…for once love finds you...
And its up to one’s self how to nurture it and make it yours...

What more is that you need when you have touched true love once in lifetime...
For if once you could try to see love as much more than wantings or havings....

Frozen...

Oh, how much I had to cry aloud..
Oh, how much I had to wheeze in vain..
I can no longer breathe on my own..
I can no longer flow on my own…..
I can no longer take shape I wish….
I can no longer make me sweetened..
I can no longer wipe away your tears…
I can never float in your fingers…
I can never now drench your thirst….
I can never never look the same...
I can never never meet real self..
Oh, this is real change to me…
Oh, this is never gonna change…
You could have stopped this change
Then I would have stayed the same..
You could have called out my name..
Then I would have stayed the same….

Was it for I didn’t have colours of you..
Was it for fear I could have drowned you..
Was it for I didn’t have taste of you..
Was it for fear I could have drained you..
You could have touched me once..
Then I would have stayed the same…
You could have hold me once..
Then I would have stayed the same…
You used to call me my sweet water
Now I stay just as an ice in your glass

For you used to need me every moment..
Now you just don’t need me anymore..
I know I will remain stiff now…
For I can’t move to touch you ….
I wish I get burned someday…
For I can then touch the sky….
Float in the air to reach you..
And stay inside you forever…

Mad Blogger Marriage!!

May 17th , 12 pm at Angamaly......

St George Forane church, did I hear it as Asia's largest church..
No couldn’t be.....Or in real it is???

Landed there after 12 o clock, yes the ceremony might have just started....
The big dome visible made me feel, yes it is a bigger church....

On reaching the church , at the front door me and S had a glance of our hero at one end...sitting with his girl...
Dialed up AR , and he came out at the steps with the heartthrob of christ college:-)
Was feeling glad to see them....

Being my first visit to this church I knew I shouldn’t be delaying in getting in..
I covered my head with my duppatta and I sat down on my two knees and made sure that my presence is felt by God....A first visit to church- you make 3 wish ; it comes true...But i didn’t pray anything to be counted as 3.....

Church called up for the couples, some music started in...I moved further inside the church, targeting our couple, so I could get a closer look of them and also get some snaps..
I turned back, to look for other 3...I could see them coming in and my eyes made sure that they all coming in to front side...
Groom was perfectly dressed for the day....navy blue suit and a red shaded tie....and no need to mention about the Bride she was looking beautiful in the white gown, her simple great jewellery, her flower bouquet, hair so perfectly done, veil covering her face....all set up for her great day.
My next look fell on all other couples standing there....
I could see 6 couples...and it was 6th turn to our pair. Oh, One glance was enough for me - no other pair was so perfect in looks :-)
Flower girls beside them...made the couple look prettier... They were perfect for each other...... God, they look pretty together (I murmured within)

When we all came in front side, Chettan’s usual big wide smile came in for a moment...He was looking all of us and kept his smile...He was happy....
I saw his parents standing back of him, and AR showed me Deeps brother, the guy in light blue shirt..

Father of the church started the ceremony... .....Names were called out...
It was the first couple, second, third, fourth, fifth, then the sixth....All gave the expected 'sammathamaanu' reply to the question of acceptance...
The first couple started with the ceremony....I wondered what was going on his mind at that moment....
I checked what he was doing?
God!! He was watching or observing?? No ...he was scrutinizing at the micro level... what each couple was doing.... how the Father was instructing and as couple by couple got wed locked......
I guess I saw some confidence in his face after the third couple exchanged their rings...confident and ready to tie the knot for his girl....so that he could do it without making a mistake in the rituals.....
I felt he murmured something within...
A smile on his face was hard......his body language showed up some tension....
While me and AR stood at one side the other 2 were busy with the camera....
Yes, both were getting some shots of the couple....
It’s the turn now......
The wedlock, rings, manthrakodi....all done one by one....
Me and Joseph were smiling at each other, looking at the shivering hands of the bridegroom:-)
Then the Bible promise.....I prayed for both of them ; for love to stay forever to each other in their hearts.....
It’s over....to be called as one...in front of God.

Now what next? Mass will be there for next half hour for sure...We knew we all had to patiently wait for meeting the couple...
I got a phone call and went outside, and when I came back in , I couldn’t spot where all vanished... I sat near a pillar leaning on it.....I just looked over the church...Beautiful!! And then remembered my 12 years of schooling where in every morning I used to rush to pay the visit to the chapel inside the convent, and say "I’m here to meet U Lord, Aren’t u hearing me" to mother Mary and Jesus and then run back to my class before the second bell rings and the teacher is in....It was amazing days in school, and even after that in college my church visit never reduced..nor now....:-) Joseph had asked me ..... some minutes back " U Christian?".. I wasn’t, still I knew the church rules.....for I had been to church/chapels more than I visited temples.
I prayed whatever I felt that moment, but I couldn’t wish anything for myself...Hmm...
I was famiiar about the mass , prayers and understood hardly some 15 minutes more to an end... Strolled back to where all were sitting...

When the prayers got over..... Went ahead to congratulate the couple...Smiles on all our faces...Happy feeling!!! Deeps mother saw all of us, Manu got introduced.... :-)
All were nearby.... I thought of AJ that moment, yeah he had told me it’s a great miss for him... Of course yes it indeed is. I thought of Arun only then, that he would have shed a tear in missing his best friend’s wedding. Of course yes.

The wait had to continue, photographers took the couple with them as their private property...
AR’s parents, AJ's mother... S's father... Along with 4 of us, we headed to the Parish hall... It was underground... got down the steps....
We served ourselves with Grape juice at the door of the hall.
Went inside the Parish hall, big one, Buffet lunch was set on sides ,..Yeah I could see that.
We walked towards the front row...and looking at the fan we occupied the right side....the 2nd and 3rd rows...
Wait continued..... the hall was full.... They have not yet come over...

Music!! Aloud!!! Yes the couple came in about 2’o clock....
They both got onto the stage. Deepu chettan removed the flower garland and could be easily spot asking her to remove the garland so both can feel comfortable!! Yes, that was thoughtful... rather than carrying the big garland on those shoulders!!
Welcome or introductory speech on the couples family..
Cake cut!!!
Vine!!!
Lighting the lamp!!
Lunch.....!!
All started turning to the buffet lunch kept.....for self service....:-)

We grabbed this opportunity for going and meeting the couple on stage...and getting a snapshot!!!
Yes, all 8 of us headed towards stage, met them, congratulated, and took a snap with them....
We got down the stage...

Some words whispered by S into Deeps ears made him laugh aloud....!!!
Done...
We all set for lunch, Veg -Non veg....
My tummy was full. I had had a Queen breakfast before coming to the wedding at S’s place...:-)

Had to hurry back ....but in that duration ; yeah I made time to eat 2 ice creams:-)
Yes, we had a real nice time together....
Me and Joseph went towards the stage and told both of them ; yes we all are leaving!!!!
Said bbye to aunty and Manu and left the place........by 3 o clock.
That’s it, bye to each other and done for the day!!!
Joseph dropped us to the stand in his car...starting for the journey back.

I was happy that I could attend 6 marriages.......!!! St George Forane church is the largest church in South India!!!

Two night journey in G4 kallada...

9:15 bus….. Saturday night.
Last nite I had gone to see off AR for the same bus, for the same cause of travel….Deeps sunday… :-)
Rushed by 9:20 to the bus at friends …… “late aayallo…. “
In that run and in vain I got into some other bus..that was about to start….
Oh yeah!!!! the Volvo bus horn seemed to call my name so loud to get out of the wrong bus and board the correct one…
That’s it..
Apart from the usual trend of my friend being the last person boarding the bus, today was my chance….
'S' had already boarded the bus..and waiting for me…..and for being late I missed the window seat:-(
Journey was fine for I didn’t have the ladies seat problem this time….
At Trichur early morn 5:30, and then to kodangallur….the way was not new to me…But yes , SN puram….was a new junction I didn’t notice…
It’s after 1 year I am going to his home, last time , being the first visit in March’08.
Forget 1 year… He himself visiting after 6 months, which I felt was too long for him….at least the longest gap I witnessed.
Close to 8, I was at Punnilath….

Though we planned to go for the marriage by 9:30, we four were sitting and chatting for a while..till 9:-)
I were never grabbed out of a topic with his mother….:-)
Yes, his house has become like a home to me… no fear….nor any second thoughts to be put in before I converse …
Got up from the chito-chat, had bath , dressed up, it was 10… late already..
Oh, yeah breakfast table…..dosa, idli, chutney, sambhar, cutlet, mangoes….tea.. :-)

One feel as a KING/QUEEN , that’s the importance you get on the table at his place:-)

Hm... I had to fit in mangoes, tea, water, what all in the mouth and get into the auto so we reach the church on time…
We missed a bus in 30 seconds gap to ekm and yes, It was coz of me:-(
His father had joined us… and we were having relay races to the destination…bus from bus to bus from bus to bus…
Finallly reached the destination.... The Grand Forane Church….The ceremony was great!!!

Journey back to his place, starting at 3 , was the same… bus from bus to bus from bus to bus…
Hm...Back at home, by 4:30...he had to leave by 5 from there.....
Other cousins were at his place, most of them I had met during his marriage time..

Oh, no. ..I was feeling so sad, how less amount he spent over at home this time, for one day, a day after 6 months....Hm..... After marriage life changes in such a way that catching time for things doesn’t happen as before...
I took a shower and packed up my stuffs......I had got some earring pairs for the sweet angel....That’s the only thing I get her...all the time I see her...Hope she likes the stuff I got for her....
Again feeling like a Queen, had my early dinner, and finally made up by 6:15 to leave his place....
I understood I was a bit late in leaving his home, as bus to tcr will take up time...His father dropped me till kglr stand and I boarded to tcr..
I wish I could spend some time more, but life s not same anymore.....

Rain started when I got down from bus....Drenched a bit, I managed to get an auto to City travels. I had been making frequent calls to make sure tension doesn’t build in on me getting late to miss the bus...
Waited till I slept off on my bag coz of tiredness....
I boarded bus at 9:30, made all calls, msg ed to whomever expected and I got the window seat near Ben.
I ate the cutlet that was packed and given...and yes it was tastier....that I felt I would eat more than 10:-)

In this short two night journey, I didn’t have to bother about ladies seat...Friends play an important role in our life at times guiding us and making us feel safe with them....

Reached early morn at 5:30 back my Bangalore home....
Good night for at least 3 more hours to get rid of my tiredness... :-)

My Mobile Baby…

Yes, I was watching in that lonely street.….the baby is talking on the mobile and jus walking in front of me…
girl/boy..?
I usually take that shortcut for reaching the main road……
I walked a bit faster….so I I could see more clearly, yeah… red top and a blue short trousers ..
In the street light I could see the baby being asked something by two guys standing by side of road on a bike…

Giving a strange pause to the guys she continued her walk…with her mobile chat..
I started increasing my speed to catch up with her..she was walking faster than me….
I stopped near the two guys... “Do you know whose kid is it? Where is she going?”
Both of them stared at me and then…….“No, we don’t know…we were also thinking…..” I didn’t wait to hear from whose mouth the word came out…for I felt angry….. you guys not bothered about a small kid roaming like that?
I ran behind her..could see she was still talking on her mobile..
Just when she made a turn on the bend of the road…I caught her by left hand…
She was really damn cute….with her little earrings…making her more beautiful…

“Where you going?”
No reply…..she was trying to push away the grip I had on her left hand…..
“Where is ur mom?mommy?mother?amma?”(I don’t know what all synonyms came from my mouth… )
Ok, hardly 2 years? English is out of the scene…..
Fine..tamil? Kannada………the next try.
“Elli hogathey? Veedengey…? Maney elli? Amma , mummy, mother…engey….?” I believe I repeated this 5 times so she could catch my tone of voice…
Thank God she replied..
“ Office……… “ Gave me a smile.
Shook off her hand to let her lose…started walking again…
Tata indica – taxi came in on side road… I caught her again to make sure she is safe next to me on the road side…
Shook off her hand to let her lose…started walking again…
To chatter on her mobile, not bothered about anything, not bothered about the tension I had in my eyes….not bothered about the road she heading to.

Some 100 meters, she will be on Maruthi Nagar Main road..where she will be lost in the crowd…..
Oh God …Whose kid is this… what I am to do now… I can’t see anyone….on the road…It’s so dark at 8pm.
Should I take her to nearby shop…on the main road…and explain the situation…
I stood there for 2 seconds with million thoughts, Struck me..I can’t let her go!!!
I sat on my knees on the road…to hold her with both of my hands..
I caught hold of her mobile…hm!!!! Is it a dummy playing calculator or a toy mobile ? Toy calculator? I couldn’t make out….
”elli hoguthey…..hellu…”
Serious reaction looking her mobile in my hands… “Office……”
2 year kid going to office….at 8pm at nite..
This question is not gonna work out…Was I hurting her with my tightly gripped hands on her arm?
I looked around…
There comes a couple….from the nearby gate…they had plans of getting into their car, I stopped them…
“Do you know this baby…seen somewhere in nearby house?”
“No”
“She came from this way…..I was following her all the way till here, she is walking towards main road”

The lady tried to ask her mom’s name…asked to dial number in her toy mobile…..
Yeah…I knew what she would reply…..“Office….” What more can I expect from this IT world in Bangalore..
When I looked back the way I came from…I could see one of the bike guys standing near me…
He asked me “ Got parents” … I told “No”
I told all of them to walk her back the way she came from…
On the way they kept on asking “Maney elli…..Maney thorasu..“
Hm….She would reply only the word she knew.. “Office…. “
I took her hand and started walking all the way back ….she came from.
When I reached the point where I saw her first, I checked nearby houses, if any mother worried or any noise or cries?
No!!!
Only one house had light in the verandah….I waved the 2 girls standing over there to come out….
Situation was taken over by the couple who joined me ; conversation in Kannada…
More people came out from house…They knew the kid……
That’s it…..
I knew my role is done……
When all scenes explained ; I smiled at her……and turned away.

I looked up at the dark sky….headed for getting my dinner parcel….
Can’t explain in words what is it that I felt that moment..:-)
I wanted to know her name….But then I thought for me let she stay as “My Mobile Baby”

The Burning 4 Days.....

Day 1:
Yes, the main reason to go to Chennai as all knows is to attend Karthik’s marriage. Padi, pronounced as Paaaadi was a long hour journey of 2 hours from ksh's place....I found Thursday was burning hot inside the bus ..making me sweat all the way....!! A feeling of going to the function all alone made me feel lonely once more…But I was happy that I could make it to his wedding. By 10:45 in the hall, a big smile & surprise on his face….a congrats, a snap, the lunch, and a bbye wish to karthik & his jus married wife...and a prayer I made by heart..for the so called forever happy married life….By the way Karthik is an x-colleague in Wipro ; a guy who comes in the list of “Sweet guys” and whose marriage I had to attend.

"Yes, I received the call from Blore about 11… giving me the news that I didn’t want to hear.. !! Tied my heart so strong that the feeling doesn’t grows in me, so it doesn’t make my Chennai visit dull & gloomy. Sometimes I feel God is really blind"

Back home by 2...and then having me left with no option rather than sleeping, I slept for 4 hours at a stretch..and the next voice I heard was ksh when she was back from office at 8 clk..
Playing with kid made all of us sleep a little late by 1…….and at last the call for sleep came inside my eyes.

DAY 2:
Friday was a holiday for all..
Time passes so soon when a kid is at your home.. The baby has such magical powers in engaging you for the whole day...babies are born to give a smile on ur face and the only thing they needs is attention...Give them , they are yours!!
Friday at 2:30; the call taxi came (of course hired AC only) to go Rajakalpakam …..Liji is my collegemate , my hostel roommate & a sweet friend of mine. In one line I can sum it all…we even had LFA(Liji Fans Association ) in our college…..coz she was such a kind of person. Now I don’t need to describe about her. This time at her home there awaits Siddharth - 11 month old cutie pie... I was excited on bringing the 2 kids together, of almost the same age and what would be like to experience their together times…their expressions…their play…!!!!
I was capturing snaps & videos of the scene of 2 babies getting along with each other... almost all the time….Tirunelveli halwa… was yummy and I packed the remaining from there…to gulp it later. Yes , I had to keep a share of it.. Had a very nice time..till the evening at 6 over there. Boarding a bus for a tiring journey back to ksh 's home was unmanageable with her kid. Of course I thought if I had the confidence of driving the car on road the call taxi and the bus wouldn't be in picture....at all..Hm!!!

DAY3:
Kathipara was where I got down…on Thursday morn...from the Blore bus to Chennai....Having a look at it… from one side… I remembered the picture I seen …Yeah I saw that flyover for the first time.. Was feeling happy inside that he is part of the design of it. At least now I know it’s not just mud & cement but there are various things in structural engg.
It’s been a pleasure in being with him all these 12 years.....seen & unseen times... in touch...& far away times...
Our meeting happens once in a year...and that turns special to each other in our own ways...I was skeptical in deciding I should meet him once his flight lands in Chennai.....or later? I don’t know may be this time I was too excited on this meeting... Don’t know why..May be I had a fear if this would be the last chance to spend time….
But the climate turned to be a disaster for both of us.. Having roamed around in spencers plaza in that ac mall..and being done with our lunch...burning heat... gave birth to similar thoughts in our mind.. "Let’s quit this meeting as of now.."
Wearing that helmet and come all the way just to drop me to Ksh's home and then back to his place, it would be so mean on my part to make him drive km's in that sun..But I had no point to argue on that…. That’s it, a long ride back to home….Ksh had seen him and the maaza got served to cool our throats after the journey... Hmmm, Next visit would be to Bangalore to meet me & I need not come to Chennai next time...for he didn’t want me to burn anymore..:-)

Elvin gave me a good slap on my face for the scolding I gave him… when he banged his metal car on my laptop..which was a response for another scolding I gave him when he pulled the ‘num lock’ key from the lappy…Hm…:-( I understood that one forgets stubbornness , become so patient, become so selflessness……and much more….when with a kid…for u r ready to lose this all for a smile on the small chubby face…
An evening walk of 10 minutes to the beach made the day special...to give it a cool ending...
Oops!! Ending?? No... For me & ksh didn’t sleep that nite.. was talking so much, involved so much that realized it is 5:30 in the morning...And surprisingly we were not sleepy after that....So for me this Day3 didn’t end to a night but to the next dawn..:-):-)

DAY 4:
A small risk of ksh driving the car......and me at the front seat guiding her....made the journey to Sunday church special for her and for me..
Sleeping was the second thing I had when I get tired of playing with chottus…
An evening stroll to Spencer again….unexpected purchase of a jean from there…:-)
Struggled back in the traffic to get back home; packed stuffs; had to just lick the payasam that was prepared.. Couldn’t have it.. much :-(
9:30 bus boarded from Adayar…..Calls to inform I started…..done with it.
Oh Yeah!!! No need to mention….the same old ladies seat problem again… In bus… one girl was sitting with a guy, and we thought they were couple.. somehow I didn’t feel like asking her by myself….But later when checked ; she told not.. so adjusted… I was wondering why the “@^#%^#%^^” that girl wasn’t bothered to get a ladies seat…somewhat 20 mins time got wasted in it only.. to start the bus…..
Hm, thts it…..windows seat........I seemed very sleepy coz of the Saturday night out me & ksh had together….
I didn’t know anything after I slept…. woke up only when bus reached masjid signal….
Back to Bangalore…early morning cold breeze….Thank God!!! I felt like reaching paradise!!!