My hobbies changed with you...

I remember me in school days....I had cultivated stamp collection...and picture collections..
2 albums – one for stamp..another for pictures...sticking whatever I felt good.. and I had a good set of encouragers to do so..
I used to love what I do – and I would talk about this as my hobby to all..and each I met...

But in my teens I used to have tough time thinking – what is my hobby yaar.. ?
If hobby is a thing you do in your free time – or something when you are alone- squeeze meeeee.... I never had time left to do things – be whatever called a hobby..
Crowded with people – of all age groups.. and thats it..time just passes by for me...
Freak out..small shopping’s, movies & theatres, cricket , get togethers, jus roaming here and there....cycling, long swims in beaches all added to that...
Well- it’s the age where you actually want to understand the meaning of what is life to be? How to live it excitingly..and never get bored..!!
Yup....!! Involve in all sorts of freaks , ups and downs, all sorts of restrictions , thousands of smiles, imitate my hero, break the rules then scolding and warnings, silly tears...don’t know what all..to list...
I am on top of the world – Teenage is the age that makes you want to feel like that..:-)
Guess free time hobbies – got erased from my life ..reason was obvious..
me being the crown in my friends priority list ....I was actually on top of this world.

Life moves on... Years passed.. Never through these years I had a hobby to name one..
City never slept so early for me – when I was surrounded with my dear and near ones..
But without them, yes.. it goes to snoring loud ..so early at the sunset..
When I sit and think – how to kill time on a weekend, or wht to do today if I am back home early.. .. ?
Wondering have I to type Google 'what to do on free time’ ...?? Do i do that??
Or should I make facebook and orkut as my best buddies...?

Hobbies changed with changing priorities of others...
From a list of 0 – I started making it count till 12, 13..etc..
I don’t want to be a couch potato ....so my hobby list is increasing..with time.. and in the list this blog is on the tops now!!!!!!


Your changing priorities in life ...made me change my hobbies my dear friends...
..(inspired from the lazy post... Priorities... a suggested read)

I feel like that when you are near me..

Happiness is not always heavenly..
It a bliss when its felt deep in the soul..
Where all my real smiles dance in my heart..
I feel like that when you are near me..

Unexpected visits and meetings always creates delight..
It takes away all deep rooted sadness for a while..
Inner self feels filled with bundles of ecstasy..
I feel like that when you are near me..

Special is what I am , I felt in these days..
It takes away all lonesomeness in heart and soul..
Crowded surroundings don’t seem lonely around me..
I feel like that when you are near me..

Clutter disappear and my mind is crystal clear..
It takes away all the uncertainty in the thoughts..
Love is what I experience in this little life of mine..
I feel like that when you are near me..

A friend is a blessing… sent from heavens above..
And when it is you, I am ready for the challenge..
Challenge this world..for not losing you with time..
I feel like that when you are near or far..

Silence – is where I want to go...

Where you are losing the faith...
Give hope and break your death.
Where you are feeling parched...
Give splash and break your thirst.
Where you shed your own blood...
Give peace and break the fight.
Where you survive in the sinister...
Give shine and break the darkness.
Where you long for the soothing...
Give warmth and break your pain.
Where you plead for the mercy...
Give honesty and break prejudice.
Where you stumble as innocent...
Give knowledge and break ignorance.
Where you crawl as odd shadow...
Give name and break the nightfall.
Where you breathe unheard horror...
Give certainty and break your fear.
Where you live ever rising selfish...
Give my love and break your hate.

Yes..This is where I want to go...
And give away all my strength...
Silence is where I want to go...
Scream loud and break all deaf...

(I see & hear & feel - still I fail to give & react to silence )
:-(

!!!!!!!

To forgive you, I tried….tried hard…
Unless I can forget you….I can’t forgive you….
To forget you, I tried….tried a bit..
Unless I do desire , I can’t forget you…

Neither can forget you…nor forgive you…
I stop this dilemma today…now….
Be a bit harsh I may seem to be...
But yes....don't be surprised...
I keep this on the grounds that……

“Forgiving is an act of God!!!
And I shouldn’t try to be like God by forgiving you…!!!”

Are we 2? Or are we 6?

This interesting conversation came up with AR, when was trying to pull out the moody and lazy me to life.....
Yeah- It was being long since we talked either on phone?or thru a mail or a chat…

So when words like “2 of us talking would be boring…” came up…
I just reminded on the The Dark room conversation we had which was unbeatable one and that had made me blog it.

Suddenly from nowhere I know..…. the psycho in me popped up…..and gave its customary shape!!!

“let’s say u and me are talking, here there are only 2.. but actually 6 are there...and this is a fact
And the
1st person - the person whom I think who I am.
2nd person - the person whom U think who I am..
3rd person - the person who I actually is.
4th person - the person whom U think U are...
5th person - the person whom I think who U are..
6th person - the person who U actually is...”

: So we need to now feed all the 6 people ; definitely troublesome!!!
: No worry, here the 3rd and 6th person is always dumb.. so we don’t have to feed them..
:all the other 4 egos need to be fed thoroughly !!!
: 1st person - and 4th person – are deaf... check this… 1st and 4th - is what I think of I ; and what U think of U..rt.?? and these both person feel - there is nothing to change....and no need to hear....; so they tend to remain deaf...
: So in that case only left with the impressing two? Wont our conversations be boring?
:what if the 1st and 4th wishes to hear, and stop being deaf......!!! Then it’s never boring...and that’s where friendship works out...


I don’t know what made me blabber all these…conversations that took the lazy me out of me…for a while..
Seems like times we chat – just becomes memorable to me in some ways…

Give me a break…!!!

“ I think you can solve it for me, consider my proposal….now..” - I said with a serious face and a supposedly seducing smile..
“What… hey I was just trying to say..that…..”
I cut him off…..“In case if you really worried of me, please marry me…I am ok with you in settling my life...”
“ Not bad proposal ,but see, you,,know… hm, well.....I am already married..”
“ That’s ok for me, I can feel your love and concern for me….in getting settled ….– plzzzzzzzz get your wife divorced and accept me”
“ha..ha… ha….”
I felt hitting hard on his face and walking off...that moment… when he showed off his lol..…
I stared at him with the look..…so the question never comes out of his mouth...
Thts it....

Give me a break now..... Why bothered about me so much...
All come in my way – just coz I am still single…??
: hey, you aren’t married…still…
: you have to think of this one seriously…
: hope not hooked with anyone already..
: any issues at home with your boyfriend….
: don’t you feel it’s already late…..
: I bet you have a boyfriend…
: all of us are settled, its next your turn….

I wish if I could run away from these usual dramatic questions of life...
Statements coming out of real concern, and some just for the sake of it...….
ah…..
A good job , perks at the end of the month…having enough to spent on myself…
A home to stay on… Lovingly njoing the life….near and dear ones around…..
My life is not boring or stagnant.. its changing each moment .....What more is required to settle in life..
Or is “Settle in life” = “Married in life”
I think then, I have a different definition to the word SETTLE..
My life was or is not just a fairy tale… … so why prick the thorns into someone – whom I don’t even know..
Even if I need to pierce those to that guy – let it be a little late...
Hm...….

Instead of giving hell lots of explanation…I would want to scream....
“ If all you want me is to settle in life, I guess I am already settled with enough…”

I dedicate this one to those– who still stay single –and would want it...for the drama they need to face each day...

Absence is Absence

Times have changed so much - after you left my life...
Its never never never the same......
How hard I try to convince...
nothing happens...life still stay the same....
do things to make me better…. or say things to persuade
nothing happens...state is still the same
"You are always close 2 me , the feeling still holds... "
whatever be the words - plight stay still the same ..

Lovely it was - when you were around.... and each time I meet you now..
...the time stay lovely as before...and brings me in so much of joy…
ABSENCE IS ABSENCE - it has no other meaning..
And I can’t try to change its sense or scene....

In this heart....it knows...yeah the world is changing….time is moving…..and yes, life is moving.... Still it ticks anticlockwise ssearching for the time that it cherish..

Deep inside – a loneliness is growing its roots and crushing my heartbeats..
A loneliness that never gets filled.... the space left by you my dear....

Not to be forgotten....

The long 3 days weekend..….
I switched on the TV once I opened my eyes…for I didn’t have a plan to get out of my bed….
Yeah, The old movie was playing…
The channel seemed to tell me this “It was not to be forgotten – the reason why Friday is a holiday for you...”
Gandhijayanthi…
The movie on our Father of Nation….I wondered how many times I watched it on Doordarshan when I was young..
The SA train episode, the come back to India, the initial protest...…. salt movement…everything seemed to be perfectly planned in that persons mind…
How can one develop a strategy and be so confident that this is gonna surely work – and make others repeat his word-Ahimsa.
I sat and watched it…...not even bothering to brush my teeth….

May be after getting into my teenage – I always gained more of an interest in watching such movies…
Somewhere deep inside...…I knew….
I admire Bhaghat and Gandhiji – Two contradicting characters in the history of my nation – driving their life to freedom.
Thanks to the one who struggled – for they were the reason why I was born free…in this nation :-)

I had a long weekend – and now hitting hard to start this Monday…....

7 favorite songs….

This one’s for you Rafael- - for the tag you gave me..….

In my list of favorites….I do have Hindi , Malayalam and Tamil songs…(Desi ones)
But here I am jus listing the top seven numbers in English..

1. Bryan Adams – Please forgive me..
2. Bon Jovi – It’s my life
3. Bryan Adams – Everything I do, I do it for you..
4. Backstreet Boys – Quit playing games…
5. Enrique – Hero…
6. Faith Hill - There you'll be(Pearl harbor)
7. Boyzone – Words are all I have..

These ones hit my ears once in a week....for sure..:-)

Hating helplessness…

At times where someone dear to you is struggling...
And you can feel clearly that its utmost pain to them...
Yeah, nothing can help – wait and watch...

At times where someone dear to you is stressed...
And you know the deep rooted reason for the stress...
Yeah, nothing can help – wait and watch...

At times where someone dear to you is frazzled...
And you know what to do to provide the soothe...
Yeah, nothing can help – wait and watch...

At times where someone dear to you is tied...
And you know where to find those chain keys...
Yeah, nothing can help – wait and watch...

Sometimes life is so helpless….And now I feel so helpless...
I feel handcuffed -for the only thing I can do now...
Only thing I can do is - stop worrying of my dear one...
Only thing I can do happens to be the most impossible one...

The typical girl thoughts ....

A 3rd time denial would have been a straight cut to say that 'Get out of my way" ,but yes I was rushing from office to home and wondering if traffic would get me home on time. That was the reason I thought of getting onto it...

First time - I had denied it..saying I was not to that direction....Second time while I was at the bus stop I could see the vehicle getting slow..but I just waved my hands indicating that I am not gonna join...
Daily journey is in the public transport - own bengaloooru bmtc....and yeah my mp3 player and my creative buds helps me strive through the traffic all days...The idea of getting a lift never seemed bad to me if it’s a car I am getting into..But yeah to sit with a guy - whom you just know a bit 'hi-bye' kind of...on the back seat of the bike is not such a relaxed idea....I am so much used to the back seat of a bike since I am ten years old..and I hate the idea of ride with some stranger...it was never a comfy zone for me..be it girl or guy...

I hardly turned or coloured professional relationships into personal taste.....very few in number that had turned into friendships..That explains why I was trying to recall his name - when the bike stopped aside me and the question was just going to shoot at me....It was just a few metres away from my office building and yeah the urgency to reach home sooner made me get onto it...Of course it was embarrassing to hear from him say that he saw me waving a bbye to him on the roads last time and that was the reason for him not to stop... I wanted to say - ‘its not coz I have a problem with you….but I don’t like the idea of it..’ –but I remained shut...
Sometimes it’s hard to be in conversation when u don’t have any topic..but somehow I managed to flow thru - traffic – roads – journeys - harsh auto ridings- drive in rain- office timings – work deadlines – etc… A couple of previous conversations with him had made me feel that he is not a bad guy......I was sitting on the bike holding the back handle making sure the distance..while I would have sat a bit more closer with my hands on the shoulders if the rider was in my close friend’s list.

I remembered when one of my friend AA had told about this...“ sab kudiyaan jaanthi hain ki bike pe kaise betna hai...aur front brake's kaise handle karna hai...tum ladki log sab jaantey hain kiskey saath kaise rehna hai...”

The tries of maintaining the gap between didn’t seem harder, but yeah I thought about AA , It’s very true that a girl knows how to get treaty with a guy....in the way she actually wants...
Reaching in less than half hour...I got down at main road – rather alighting in front of my house – the reason I had to go to travels to cancel and book the bus tickets for vacation savd me... It was a sports bike – I noticed it only when I got down from it as the back seat height was more than the normal ones..:-(
I wished I didn’t …hear that question to answer…
"If you are leaving in the mornings by 8:30 – 9 – you can give me a call okei..."
"let me see…, Thanks" that’s all I could say to him...
Was that to kill the lonely drive he doing all mornings, or was just a friendly approach...to take in..

Thoughts creeped in for a while....A girlish nature of mine never peeps out much –replying in that sort of a way...but I was surprised today – a typical girlish – and her thoughts were giving birth this evening...

Our Evening Meetings

Our Evening Meetings...
That’s what I like to call it now...
It’s really hard to make time to meet my friend - even when I know she is going through tough times of her life...or even I badly wanted to see her...and even when we know yes its being long since we seen each other...
Planning for holidays, waiting for weekends, that is not there between us now...
Today evening - be it for half hour or one hour..that’s it - its today....
And yes office hours doesn’t seems to gets over by 6pm all days...and making time is also a tough job....but yes we made it .....like last time...

Yesterday I was feeling so happy as a friend...
And I know you would be really happy in your life that I am there with you...
You have been an inspiration to me and I had never thought I would one day have to try hard to make u inspired, motivated , lift you up from the pit hole you falling into....
trying to inject inside you all positive energy I had that very moment...
Yesterday when I was with you...sipping that hot tea in the cup …in A2B, and while we were pouring out each other whatever we could... I was listening to my heart....
"Oh God have I made it late.....I shouldn't have waited for weekends, or holidays or half day free time...to meet my friend...."

No wonder all says- If you want it - that’s it - this is it today...it’s just today - it’s just now this moment....do it now..and yes it applies for keeping in touch with friends too....and no excuse turns out to be real excuses for not doing it...


Yes my friend, that’s it - I would very well want our evening meetings..now and then...rather waiting for a time to come for us to meet in leisure...

I never want you to get lost - atleast till I can buy 2 cups of tea to sip on..:-)

You , my special one...

Sometimes a state of happiness is achieved only from the special one...
Happiness that touches the heart..and remains in the soul….
On seeing that someone….On hearing voice of someone...
On being with that someone for some time...
That special person is always born to bring special happiness to you…
They capture your thoughts, able to change them in a second...
Enter into your mind pull away all worries haunting you...
And then you feel so happy inside that rest everything seems worthless…

I feel everyone in this world will have a special someone,
mother, father, bro, sis, friend, wife, husband, daughter ,son..
or sometimes in forms of a relation where a name is unknown..
Agreeing to the verity that happiness of life, is all that matters to living.
Everyone tends to seek it…be it any ways….in any form..
When I set aside all my work, al priorities just for you...
Alas the wait ended when I could meet you after a long span..
When I saw you today….I was exactly feeling only one thing....
You, the one where my soul gets tied up tight in your sight…..
Happiness flowed in me for I was yearning for it...
And yes it was only you who could ever make me feel so happy like that...
and that was really enough for me to make me straight...
For I felt really blessed..and yes really blessed..
That I have found the special someone in you..
The special someone has touched my life long time back...
Still stay as my special friend of this lifetime…forever...

Yet to Learn...

Hard time is when you know a relation is not moving on good...
When you feel within that a friend is not the same anymore...
The one mattered to you once no longer seems so important...
The one you cared so much no longer need you anymore...
There are certain points in life where a relation seize to exist...
And the act of pulling the thread starts… by the two holding it...
When it breaks, it just breaks…yes I know for sure it breaks...
As I had earlier written – on A word called TRUST...
It’s become so hard to define, more than anything in my life...
To actually decide on the point of a relation...the real fact
To continue the unwanted…or just put a full stop to it...
Or still be ready to run behind the one you longed for...
For giving your time and then to never see the finish line..

Tried hard to keep the feeling alive, much more in heart...
Was I all these years trying for it...so to keep it alive.
For those who says love is all about giving and giving...
And nothing more than giving, expecting nothing in return...
I ask them – how long you can do it and how far you can...??
How long you carry a forgiving heart that never gets tired...??.
In a long run everyone will come to know..the real fact..
One can never give anything for free..unless other needs it...
If the value is not recognized –love takes form of the Demand-Supply law
Try for a 99% discount offer, it s never sought-after unless real need.
It’s like striking on the rock to seek reflection in dark...
The rock never shines for you – atleast not...in this lifetime.

Value whatever you have...that gives you happiness...
Value whomever you have... who gives you attention...
Treasure them more..in your heart...and life...
Treasure is they leave beside for you...all times.

She...

In this thunder and lightning...
She stand all drenched...
Without a hope of an umbrella...
Like a small kid left alone...

In this heavy traffic and chaos...
She stand all bothered...
Without a symptom of green signal...
Like a strider in the crowd...

In this cluster of clouds seen..
She stand as odd one out...
Without a warn of wind to sway off..
Like the darkest black to douse..

In this widest and deepest sea..
She stand all fluttered...
Without a sign of ray of light...
Like an isolated lost boat...

In this vivacious world...
She stand all troubled...
Without a wide cheer of smile..
Like a still snap with tears..

In this colourful world...
She stand all searching...
Without a shade of colour...
Like a new baby born blind...

In this mysterious game of love
She stand all the while alive...
Without a beat of heart heard..
Like a soul reborn dead for life..

Did I break the thread…

I was just holding on...
And you just pulled it....
So did I break the thread....?

I will always try to say to clear my part....'that you pulled it, it broke off..'
Question is if I could have left the hold ?
But question here is did it break just coz I was holding on....

How can I win over this and prove? Like any other argument that I win -I cannot win this!!!
Some phenomena in physics - apply 3rd law of Newton - still can I win this argument?
Action - reaction funda? apply some more mathematical calculation of force and distance ? ...( by the way in dilemma what is to be actually proven for the thread is already broken now....??)
I think it's difficult to give an answer to this.....that U or ME responsible?

Sometimes we cant hold anyone responsible for actions that occur....
Finding myself in a situation now, where I cannot blame or point finger to anyone or anything..
Ah!!!! Great !!! Yes I return to the old circle...to take a round.
The same old circle where .... where I tend to turn my mind to certain words like
"God...
Fate...
Destiny...
Happens for good...
Learn from Experience...
Life is like this...
Sadness fly away...on wings of time...
Time shows good and bad...
Move on , this is not the end...
Expect the worst...
That was a sour grape..."
I can spot many more phrases....running in my mind....
When something in life happens that is not actually wished for or something that is not actually wanted....or not expected....Yeah!! I turn to that items list where everyone try to hide in, that list to put a blame on - or may be not blame - but a sort of finding reason to the unreasonable things happening in life.....

Its natural of all do that, but I am just gone nuts today...thinking how long will I stick on to this list...
Every time - something happens out of the ring - Wonderful - I find out way to get out of it - only from repeating and bombarding these things to my brain...
I guess now my surviving brain is also bored of these list...

To write the perfect me….

I am listening to ‘Its only words, and words are all I have...” , from Boyzone…
Yeah, in my teenage – it used to be the most wanted ones in my list...
Of course still is...

Today when I fool around with words to make them look beautiful once written, I wonder...
I wonder...which ones would be the perfect that I can use...to express me...

“In order to write the perfect one I want to...
I understand it’s not easy job...
I should be saturated in words...
I should be drenched in them...
Supposed to be truly immersed...
And me never be dried again...
For then at the moment I need them...
They would and should be dripping from me...
Only those right ones should pour from me...
And then I can say its’ this...
I just wrote the perfect 'sh' ...”

So much dry I feel now...when I try to hum with the boyZ....” Its only words, and words are all I have.......”
I wish to get wet soaked in words.....dive in them...undergo a mammoth wash getting diffused into them and not get dried up...
Yeah, and then only can I ......at least ONCE form a perfect line...to express me..

Appples, cherries or grapes or........??

There's much more in life than being happy for yourself. There's much more one need to think of others at certain point of time in your life...
If your happiness is ultimately that matters to you, then you need to think once more what is lacking in you...for if U r in a state where u think of only Ur happiness, then be sure you are not in the right track of life....
You have come along all this way to this part of your life with smiles on your face , some smiles that you got from Ur near and dear ones....some smiles that you got from people U dont even know..some smiles that was sacrificed for you by others...
Its better to realise all the time, I mean spend some time in Ur life, some minutes in a day, or some hours in a week to think on where is the smile on your face coming from....spend some time to think on have I tried to give back all those smiles to all those from whom I got it ???
In case you have not done it till now, or not doing it still in your life, or doesn't even hold a thought like that, then I feel you are on the wrong track of your life...

When relations really holds much value in this fast careless world, hardly anyone realise the value of things given...the effort and pain took by someone in giving their time and care....the effort and pain took by someone in showing their love and dearness..... There are still some faces near me who dont even realise how to smile back?
If I give 2 apples to you, I expect at least 2 in return - be it 2 apples, 2 mangoes or even 2 oranges...In case if you have forgotten to give back that number or more to anyone who has given those 2 apples just think now..atleast think over if you gave back atleast 2 little sweet red cherries or 2 little grapes making sure if it was sweet ?? or sour??

These words by me is triggered from an external force.... something that I felt deep within for someone close to me who got 2 sour grapes today....
May be a tear fell from my heart today for that.....

I was wondering since that moment 'AM I GIVING APPLES, CHERRIES OR SOUR GRAPES TO ANYONE?'

More and More....

If ever you feel…
I am within you more..
If ever you feel…
I am close 2 you more..
If ever you feel…
I am showing you more..
If ever you feel…
I am surprising you more..
If ever you feel…
I am cheering you more..
If ever you feel…
I am longing you more..
If ever you feel…
I am understanding you more..
If ever you feel…
I am possessing you more..
If ever you feel…..
I am caring you more…
If ever you feel…
I am hugging you more..
If ever you feel…
I am trusting you more..
If ever you feel…
I am adoring you more..
If ever you feel…
I am kissing you more..
If ever you feel…
I am clinging you more..
If ever you feel…
I am loving you more..



For all the things in life..
That I do to you is more...
Just a smile of yours will…do…
To let know what I do is more…
And a smile of mine will promise…
For all I can do is more and more…

I want to live long:-)

Quit smoking, if not smoke in Ur own room, filling Ur room & Ur lungs with toxic tar smoke & stay in there. Please don't pollute the air that I breathe. I want to live long:-)

Sixer hit in a day...

Oh, God!!
What a time I had.....

Three at Koramangala Water Tank Signal, Two at Sony World Signal, One at Eujipura Signal...
He or She... whatever they may be biologicaly hermaphrodites.....Hijida’s...Eunuch...9...50-50's...
I don’t know how to start off this with a name.... A racket of business.... that’s what they are now...

I could see the person sitting on bike pulling 10 rupee note and giving...I wondered what he thought while giving that hard earned money just like that...
Was it due to fear....?? Or some belief??
I experience this all times I travel by auto to office... but this day was heights....

One came and asked me to my right, I just didn’t bother to turn the face...that’s it ....went off!!!

Second - Another in black Salwar...to my left...came and asked.... I nodded my head in a 'NO'. Started making their trademark expressions and gave me signs that I shouldn't say NO.
I stared with great anger.....with a look "Chal Jo bhi gaali dena hain de de tu, abhi yaha par hi de de….......kuthiya/kutha kahi ki/kahi ka"
Was about to touch me with the hand... I remarked "Hogii..."
Thats it... "eeeeehhhhhhhhhhhheeeyyyyyy" one loud noise..... that was again their trademark sound... May be wanted to make me feel afraid...
I kept staring... what you are gonna do? pull me out of auto? grab my bag? I could sense the bikewala next to me on right side was looking at me with great anxiety, even the driver sitting in front of me…..and don’t know who all....
I stared at the figure continuously....which made feel that nothing is gonna work out... then silently went away my side...

Seconds later, third one...another big fat one.....in saree...With hands to me...
If you ask me, yes I felt if there would be a chaos created by their group at the signal coz of me... but I was not feeling afraid.. I wasn’t a bit. I was really surprised at myself.I smiled a bit and nodded my head "NO"... Went away....

The auto driver smiled at me, the bikewala who lost his ten rupees – I don’t know what he was feeling – I could see him relieved ? couldn’t see his real expressions peeping out from his helmet… I smiled at him knowing not what he wanted to read from me or my face... Green signal heading towards Sony World...i didn't expect more....

Encountered two 50-50 over there…and one at the next signal.... all harmless...
The One I met at Sony world– now I don’t think next time would ever come to me for this is the second time I am denying to the request..

When the signal became green I could see one 50-50 – scolding an old beggar…
Territory of their own – the first 3 signals on my way from Madiwala to office :-)

Secret....be it yours or mine??

“How far would you go to protect a secret…”

You are right... “ The Reader…”
Yeah, I am sure everyone who holds a secret in their heart would love this movie..
When RR gave me the file to watch.... I wondered if I would like it....if i would finish the movie inone stretch...

In your lifetime, you would obviously have a secret… be it for yourself… or within the two, or within a group...
The secret - being either your s...or a secret of any other or anything that matters to be kept hidden..
And that secret that you hold deep inside till this moment...how in situations of life...u deal... how hard u try to protect it…:-):-)

The Reader...holds such a secret within, and the movie is so beautifully expressed……
Hanna Schmitz…. Kate has done the role so perfect…
The Kid… Michael, their passionate but secretive affair…(Oh yes, yes… those were really scenes to stare at) :-)
The way the secret is held in the movie…The way the secret is revealed to the Kid…
And how the disclose of the secret within themselves changes both of their lives… :-(
Oh, worth watching..:-) for I felt it showed the essence of how one holds a secret…
The stage in one’s life…of how to respond to such a secret….
How one reacts when a secret is known…. a secret opened up to you…only you…
how one handle it...and how far one can go to protect it from the rest of the world....
The specialty is , the movie has drifted in the exact way it should....everything in plac...I guess, penning it down in words would spoil the movie…Powerful as it is, I would suggest

“ Go..ahead… make some time, Watch The Reader……”

I think I loved it so much, coz yeah I do hold secrets within my life….(Now dont wonder...wht is it... for Who doesn’t hold a secret in their life, nobody here is an open book...??)
After the movie it took me to that world of my secrets… the secret I hold within my heart..
Those unknown truths of my life… secrets of mine, your secret, her secret, his secret, our secret....Oh God!!!
I was counting how many imperative secrets I hold within me...… those secrets which will die with me one day...and get dissolved in this earth as mud and fire..
For once its revealed , its no longer my secret!!
All stays unrevealed…..throughout my life… to the rest of the world…!!!

And if you ask me, how far would I go to protect my most precious secret…..don’t be surprised....
”Yeah , I wouldn’t mind kill or being killed....”

:-)

Somethings there..

Something is there in mind to say to..
Something i want to write it down...
Something i want to scream so my voice gets heard..
But somehow running short of words... or is it that I am not able to speak out for feeling there's no one to hear me.....
Sometimes it gets so harder when you don't have anyone beside you to hear what you want to express..
All is needed a listener for the voice, an observer of the emotions..
Yeah!!!
Response is necessary for any human being.....
A writer expects comments on a book he recently wrote...be good or bad..
Yeah! Everyone needs a response in whatever they do...
But sometimes it is not true..to...an extent....
Sometimes the act of writing or playing around with words is just an expression of inner self......
Expression of inner self......for reasons of their own...in seek of self happiness? In seek of relief? In seek of ....whatever.....!!!!!!!
While penning down this, now i start having a thought, am i writing it down for myself, or for some others to show up or for a little understanding.....
What all is needed for a little life.....to move on...?
Yes , Yes I remember my college days where i used to write lots...so much of scribbles on papers...all for myself.....Writing used to make me happy, may be the word happy is not the correct one..in those times.. i used to write things for myself , as a sign of making me feel free from all those worries...putting down thoughts ; in the shape i wanted to ...Yeah, there are times when i ran short of words, and still do... sometimes helplessly searching for the right word to express it in the same intensity i wanted to..
Yes, there always occurs shortage of words for everyone once in their lifetime..., like I am experiencing now....
Even after writing it down, I get a feeling that this is not what i wanna say... But something more...i wanted to say this more beautifully....
I always thought and felt to an extent writing has helped in times of being lonely.....yes, mainly helped in times of lonely...when i say lonely i dont mean the's no one beside me, or ran short of words, but i ran short of listeners as i needed.....

Now when i sit alone in my room at this 10pm of Sunday night....i tend to recall my life...recall special moments, worst embarrassments, hard times, and all those been through..
Yes, something creeps in, and i felt i have to write in, but plight is worst...I can’t even pen down what i am feeling like at this moment or what i exactly want to write at this moment..
Is it that there is no shortage of words, but something bad is blocking on my throat for the words to come out..???
Hard is a state where you have no one beside to hear what u wanna express, but hardest is when you yourself doesn’t know what is that you want to express...

Going worse, hardly i wrote anything what i wanted to.....

Perfection is Impossible…??

If you feel perfection is impossible, then I guess you never have been in true love..
Once u feel true love… that’s it...
All seems so perfect inside you…outside you…above you… around you..within you…
Some are not so lucky to feel true love in their lifetime...
And some… phew…!!!! They never know they have fallen in love…
And yes the few number of those…
Who touches it like heaven..Yes, it’s then when you attain the unattainable….
Its then when you feel perfect… :-) perfect than any other….

Most words in this world… says;
“Pleasure of love last one moment while pain lasts a lifetime…,Oh why it has to be so…”
And I have heard people saying it…too.. In books I read.. in movies, in lyrics of songs I hear….
Yeah sometimes from my near ones too….!!!
Oh, I wonder what those people think who agrees to this phenomenon…
I find somewhat hard to agree to it….this stuff..(though explaining it is tougher)
Somehow I feel the pleasure lasts a lifetime and once u find love..
And that feeling keeps growing in you...
And when love grows in you.. how come u feel the pain...
I can at least pen it down and say – yeah pain is when you try to kick out the love grown in you...
Or pain is when you feel you still haven’t attained enough...
Happiness is what you feel inside…for once love finds you...
And its up to one’s self how to nurture it and make it yours...

What more is that you need when you have touched true love once in lifetime...
For if once you could try to see love as much more than wantings or havings....

Frozen...

Oh, how much I had to cry aloud..
Oh, how much I had to wheeze in vain..
I can no longer breathe on my own..
I can no longer flow on my own…..
I can no longer take shape I wish….
I can no longer make me sweetened..
I can no longer wipe away your tears…
I can never float in your fingers…
I can never now drench your thirst….
I can never never look the same...
I can never never meet real self..
Oh, this is real change to me…
Oh, this is never gonna change…
You could have stopped this change
Then I would have stayed the same..
You could have called out my name..
Then I would have stayed the same….

Was it for I didn’t have colours of you..
Was it for fear I could have drowned you..
Was it for I didn’t have taste of you..
Was it for fear I could have drained you..
You could have touched me once..
Then I would have stayed the same…
You could have hold me once..
Then I would have stayed the same…
You used to call me my sweet water
Now I stay just as an ice in your glass

For you used to need me every moment..
Now you just don’t need me anymore..
I know I will remain stiff now…
For I can’t move to touch you ….
I wish I get burned someday…
For I can then touch the sky….
Float in the air to reach you..
And stay inside you forever…

Mad Blogger Marriage!!

May 17th , 12 pm at Angamaly......

St George Forane church, did I hear it as Asia's largest church..
No couldn’t be.....Or in real it is???

Landed there after 12 o clock, yes the ceremony might have just started....
The big dome visible made me feel, yes it is a bigger church....

On reaching the church , at the front door me and S had a glance of our hero at one end...sitting with his girl...
Dialed up AR , and he came out at the steps with the heartthrob of christ college:-)
Was feeling glad to see them....

Being my first visit to this church I knew I shouldn’t be delaying in getting in..
I covered my head with my duppatta and I sat down on my two knees and made sure that my presence is felt by God....A first visit to church- you make 3 wish ; it comes true...But i didn’t pray anything to be counted as 3.....

Church called up for the couples, some music started in...I moved further inside the church, targeting our couple, so I could get a closer look of them and also get some snaps..
I turned back, to look for other 3...I could see them coming in and my eyes made sure that they all coming in to front side...
Groom was perfectly dressed for the day....navy blue suit and a red shaded tie....and no need to mention about the Bride she was looking beautiful in the white gown, her simple great jewellery, her flower bouquet, hair so perfectly done, veil covering her face....all set up for her great day.
My next look fell on all other couples standing there....
I could see 6 couples...and it was 6th turn to our pair. Oh, One glance was enough for me - no other pair was so perfect in looks :-)
Flower girls beside them...made the couple look prettier... They were perfect for each other...... God, they look pretty together (I murmured within)

When we all came in front side, Chettan’s usual big wide smile came in for a moment...He was looking all of us and kept his smile...He was happy....
I saw his parents standing back of him, and AR showed me Deeps brother, the guy in light blue shirt..

Father of the church started the ceremony... .....Names were called out...
It was the first couple, second, third, fourth, fifth, then the sixth....All gave the expected 'sammathamaanu' reply to the question of acceptance...
The first couple started with the ceremony....I wondered what was going on his mind at that moment....
I checked what he was doing?
God!! He was watching or observing?? No ...he was scrutinizing at the micro level... what each couple was doing.... how the Father was instructing and as couple by couple got wed locked......
I guess I saw some confidence in his face after the third couple exchanged their rings...confident and ready to tie the knot for his girl....so that he could do it without making a mistake in the rituals.....
I felt he murmured something within...
A smile on his face was hard......his body language showed up some tension....
While me and AR stood at one side the other 2 were busy with the camera....
Yes, both were getting some shots of the couple....
It’s the turn now......
The wedlock, rings, manthrakodi....all done one by one....
Me and Joseph were smiling at each other, looking at the shivering hands of the bridegroom:-)
Then the Bible promise.....I prayed for both of them ; for love to stay forever to each other in their hearts.....
It’s over....to be called as one...in front of God.

Now what next? Mass will be there for next half hour for sure...We knew we all had to patiently wait for meeting the couple...
I got a phone call and went outside, and when I came back in , I couldn’t spot where all vanished... I sat near a pillar leaning on it.....I just looked over the church...Beautiful!! And then remembered my 12 years of schooling where in every morning I used to rush to pay the visit to the chapel inside the convent, and say "I’m here to meet U Lord, Aren’t u hearing me" to mother Mary and Jesus and then run back to my class before the second bell rings and the teacher is in....It was amazing days in school, and even after that in college my church visit never reduced..nor now....:-) Joseph had asked me ..... some minutes back " U Christian?".. I wasn’t, still I knew the church rules.....for I had been to church/chapels more than I visited temples.
I prayed whatever I felt that moment, but I couldn’t wish anything for myself...Hmm...
I was famiiar about the mass , prayers and understood hardly some 15 minutes more to an end... Strolled back to where all were sitting...

When the prayers got over..... Went ahead to congratulate the couple...Smiles on all our faces...Happy feeling!!! Deeps mother saw all of us, Manu got introduced.... :-)
All were nearby.... I thought of AJ that moment, yeah he had told me it’s a great miss for him... Of course yes it indeed is. I thought of Arun only then, that he would have shed a tear in missing his best friend’s wedding. Of course yes.

The wait had to continue, photographers took the couple with them as their private property...
AR’s parents, AJ's mother... S's father... Along with 4 of us, we headed to the Parish hall... It was underground... got down the steps....
We served ourselves with Grape juice at the door of the hall.
Went inside the Parish hall, big one, Buffet lunch was set on sides ,..Yeah I could see that.
We walked towards the front row...and looking at the fan we occupied the right side....the 2nd and 3rd rows...
Wait continued..... the hall was full.... They have not yet come over...

Music!! Aloud!!! Yes the couple came in about 2’o clock....
They both got onto the stage. Deepu chettan removed the flower garland and could be easily spot asking her to remove the garland so both can feel comfortable!! Yes, that was thoughtful... rather than carrying the big garland on those shoulders!!
Welcome or introductory speech on the couples family..
Cake cut!!!
Vine!!!
Lighting the lamp!!
Lunch.....!!
All started turning to the buffet lunch kept.....for self service....:-)

We grabbed this opportunity for going and meeting the couple on stage...and getting a snapshot!!!
Yes, all 8 of us headed towards stage, met them, congratulated, and took a snap with them....
We got down the stage...

Some words whispered by S into Deeps ears made him laugh aloud....!!!
Done...
We all set for lunch, Veg -Non veg....
My tummy was full. I had had a Queen breakfast before coming to the wedding at S’s place...:-)

Had to hurry back ....but in that duration ; yeah I made time to eat 2 ice creams:-)
Yes, we had a real nice time together....
Me and Joseph went towards the stage and told both of them ; yes we all are leaving!!!!
Said bbye to aunty and Manu and left the place........by 3 o clock.
That’s it, bye to each other and done for the day!!!
Joseph dropped us to the stand in his car...starting for the journey back.

I was happy that I could attend 6 marriages.......!!! St George Forane church is the largest church in South India!!!

Two night journey in G4 kallada...

9:15 bus….. Saturday night.
Last nite I had gone to see off AR for the same bus, for the same cause of travel….Deeps sunday… :-)
Rushed by 9:20 to the bus at friends …… “late aayallo…. “
In that run and in vain I got into some other bus..that was about to start….
Oh yeah!!!! the Volvo bus horn seemed to call my name so loud to get out of the wrong bus and board the correct one…
That’s it..
Apart from the usual trend of my friend being the last person boarding the bus, today was my chance….
'S' had already boarded the bus..and waiting for me…..and for being late I missed the window seat:-(
Journey was fine for I didn’t have the ladies seat problem this time….
At Trichur early morn 5:30, and then to kodangallur….the way was not new to me…But yes , SN puram….was a new junction I didn’t notice…
It’s after 1 year I am going to his home, last time , being the first visit in March’08.
Forget 1 year… He himself visiting after 6 months, which I felt was too long for him….at least the longest gap I witnessed.
Close to 8, I was at Punnilath….

Though we planned to go for the marriage by 9:30, we four were sitting and chatting for a while..till 9:-)
I were never grabbed out of a topic with his mother….:-)
Yes, his house has become like a home to me… no fear….nor any second thoughts to be put in before I converse …
Got up from the chito-chat, had bath , dressed up, it was 10… late already..
Oh, yeah breakfast table…..dosa, idli, chutney, sambhar, cutlet, mangoes….tea.. :-)

One feel as a KING/QUEEN , that’s the importance you get on the table at his place:-)

Hm... I had to fit in mangoes, tea, water, what all in the mouth and get into the auto so we reach the church on time…
We missed a bus in 30 seconds gap to ekm and yes, It was coz of me:-(
His father had joined us… and we were having relay races to the destination…bus from bus to bus from bus to bus…
Finallly reached the destination.... The Grand Forane Church….The ceremony was great!!!

Journey back to his place, starting at 3 , was the same… bus from bus to bus from bus to bus…
Hm...Back at home, by 4:30...he had to leave by 5 from there.....
Other cousins were at his place, most of them I had met during his marriage time..

Oh, no. ..I was feeling so sad, how less amount he spent over at home this time, for one day, a day after 6 months....Hm..... After marriage life changes in such a way that catching time for things doesn’t happen as before...
I took a shower and packed up my stuffs......I had got some earring pairs for the sweet angel....That’s the only thing I get her...all the time I see her...Hope she likes the stuff I got for her....
Again feeling like a Queen, had my early dinner, and finally made up by 6:15 to leave his place....
I understood I was a bit late in leaving his home, as bus to tcr will take up time...His father dropped me till kglr stand and I boarded to tcr..
I wish I could spend some time more, but life s not same anymore.....

Rain started when I got down from bus....Drenched a bit, I managed to get an auto to City travels. I had been making frequent calls to make sure tension doesn’t build in on me getting late to miss the bus...
Waited till I slept off on my bag coz of tiredness....
I boarded bus at 9:30, made all calls, msg ed to whomever expected and I got the window seat near Ben.
I ate the cutlet that was packed and given...and yes it was tastier....that I felt I would eat more than 10:-)

In this short two night journey, I didn’t have to bother about ladies seat...Friends play an important role in our life at times guiding us and making us feel safe with them....

Reached early morn at 5:30 back my Bangalore home....
Good night for at least 3 more hours to get rid of my tiredness... :-)

My Mobile Baby…

Yes, I was watching in that lonely street.….the baby is talking on the mobile and jus walking in front of me…
girl/boy..?
I usually take that shortcut for reaching the main road……
I walked a bit faster….so I I could see more clearly, yeah… red top and a blue short trousers ..
In the street light I could see the baby being asked something by two guys standing by side of road on a bike…

Giving a strange pause to the guys she continued her walk…with her mobile chat..
I started increasing my speed to catch up with her..she was walking faster than me….
I stopped near the two guys... “Do you know whose kid is it? Where is she going?”
Both of them stared at me and then…….“No, we don’t know…we were also thinking…..” I didn’t wait to hear from whose mouth the word came out…for I felt angry….. you guys not bothered about a small kid roaming like that?
I ran behind her..could see she was still talking on her mobile..
Just when she made a turn on the bend of the road…I caught her by left hand…
She was really damn cute….with her little earrings…making her more beautiful…

“Where you going?”
No reply…..she was trying to push away the grip I had on her left hand…..
“Where is ur mom?mommy?mother?amma?”(I don’t know what all synonyms came from my mouth… )
Ok, hardly 2 years? English is out of the scene…..
Fine..tamil? Kannada………the next try.
“Elli hogathey? Veedengey…? Maney elli? Amma , mummy, mother…engey….?” I believe I repeated this 5 times so she could catch my tone of voice…
Thank God she replied..
“ Office……… “ Gave me a smile.
Shook off her hand to let her lose…started walking again…
Tata indica – taxi came in on side road… I caught her again to make sure she is safe next to me on the road side…
Shook off her hand to let her lose…started walking again…
To chatter on her mobile, not bothered about anything, not bothered about the tension I had in my eyes….not bothered about the road she heading to.

Some 100 meters, she will be on Maruthi Nagar Main road..where she will be lost in the crowd…..
Oh God …Whose kid is this… what I am to do now… I can’t see anyone….on the road…It’s so dark at 8pm.
Should I take her to nearby shop…on the main road…and explain the situation…
I stood there for 2 seconds with million thoughts, Struck me..I can’t let her go!!!
I sat on my knees on the road…to hold her with both of my hands..
I caught hold of her mobile…hm!!!! Is it a dummy playing calculator or a toy mobile ? Toy calculator? I couldn’t make out….
”elli hoguthey…..hellu…”
Serious reaction looking her mobile in my hands… “Office……”
2 year kid going to office….at 8pm at nite..
This question is not gonna work out…Was I hurting her with my tightly gripped hands on her arm?
I looked around…
There comes a couple….from the nearby gate…they had plans of getting into their car, I stopped them…
“Do you know this baby…seen somewhere in nearby house?”
“No”
“She came from this way…..I was following her all the way till here, she is walking towards main road”

The lady tried to ask her mom’s name…asked to dial number in her toy mobile…..
Yeah…I knew what she would reply…..“Office….” What more can I expect from this IT world in Bangalore..
When I looked back the way I came from…I could see one of the bike guys standing near me…
He asked me “ Got parents” … I told “No”
I told all of them to walk her back the way she came from…
On the way they kept on asking “Maney elli…..Maney thorasu..“
Hm….She would reply only the word she knew.. “Office…. “
I took her hand and started walking all the way back ….she came from.
When I reached the point where I saw her first, I checked nearby houses, if any mother worried or any noise or cries?
No!!!
Only one house had light in the verandah….I waved the 2 girls standing over there to come out….
Situation was taken over by the couple who joined me ; conversation in Kannada…
More people came out from house…They knew the kid……
That’s it…..
I knew my role is done……
When all scenes explained ; I smiled at her……and turned away.

I looked up at the dark sky….headed for getting my dinner parcel….
Can’t explain in words what is it that I felt that moment..:-)
I wanted to know her name….But then I thought for me let she stay as “My Mobile Baby”

The Burning 4 Days.....

Day 1:
Yes, the main reason to go to Chennai as all knows is to attend Karthik’s marriage. Padi, pronounced as Paaaadi was a long hour journey of 2 hours from ksh's place....I found Thursday was burning hot inside the bus ..making me sweat all the way....!! A feeling of going to the function all alone made me feel lonely once more…But I was happy that I could make it to his wedding. By 10:45 in the hall, a big smile & surprise on his face….a congrats, a snap, the lunch, and a bbye wish to karthik & his jus married wife...and a prayer I made by heart..for the so called forever happy married life….By the way Karthik is an x-colleague in Wipro ; a guy who comes in the list of “Sweet guys” and whose marriage I had to attend.

"Yes, I received the call from Blore about 11… giving me the news that I didn’t want to hear.. !! Tied my heart so strong that the feeling doesn’t grows in me, so it doesn’t make my Chennai visit dull & gloomy. Sometimes I feel God is really blind"

Back home by 2...and then having me left with no option rather than sleeping, I slept for 4 hours at a stretch..and the next voice I heard was ksh when she was back from office at 8 clk..
Playing with kid made all of us sleep a little late by 1…….and at last the call for sleep came inside my eyes.

DAY 2:
Friday was a holiday for all..
Time passes so soon when a kid is at your home.. The baby has such magical powers in engaging you for the whole day...babies are born to give a smile on ur face and the only thing they needs is attention...Give them , they are yours!!
Friday at 2:30; the call taxi came (of course hired AC only) to go Rajakalpakam …..Liji is my collegemate , my hostel roommate & a sweet friend of mine. In one line I can sum it all…we even had LFA(Liji Fans Association ) in our college…..coz she was such a kind of person. Now I don’t need to describe about her. This time at her home there awaits Siddharth - 11 month old cutie pie... I was excited on bringing the 2 kids together, of almost the same age and what would be like to experience their together times…their expressions…their play…!!!!
I was capturing snaps & videos of the scene of 2 babies getting along with each other... almost all the time….Tirunelveli halwa… was yummy and I packed the remaining from there…to gulp it later. Yes , I had to keep a share of it.. Had a very nice time..till the evening at 6 over there. Boarding a bus for a tiring journey back to ksh 's home was unmanageable with her kid. Of course I thought if I had the confidence of driving the car on road the call taxi and the bus wouldn't be in picture....at all..Hm!!!

DAY3:
Kathipara was where I got down…on Thursday morn...from the Blore bus to Chennai....Having a look at it… from one side… I remembered the picture I seen …Yeah I saw that flyover for the first time.. Was feeling happy inside that he is part of the design of it. At least now I know it’s not just mud & cement but there are various things in structural engg.
It’s been a pleasure in being with him all these 12 years.....seen & unseen times... in touch...& far away times...
Our meeting happens once in a year...and that turns special to each other in our own ways...I was skeptical in deciding I should meet him once his flight lands in Chennai.....or later? I don’t know may be this time I was too excited on this meeting... Don’t know why..May be I had a fear if this would be the last chance to spend time….
But the climate turned to be a disaster for both of us.. Having roamed around in spencers plaza in that ac mall..and being done with our lunch...burning heat... gave birth to similar thoughts in our mind.. "Let’s quit this meeting as of now.."
Wearing that helmet and come all the way just to drop me to Ksh's home and then back to his place, it would be so mean on my part to make him drive km's in that sun..But I had no point to argue on that…. That’s it, a long ride back to home….Ksh had seen him and the maaza got served to cool our throats after the journey... Hmmm, Next visit would be to Bangalore to meet me & I need not come to Chennai next time...for he didn’t want me to burn anymore..:-)

Elvin gave me a good slap on my face for the scolding I gave him… when he banged his metal car on my laptop..which was a response for another scolding I gave him when he pulled the ‘num lock’ key from the lappy…Hm…:-( I understood that one forgets stubbornness , become so patient, become so selflessness……and much more….when with a kid…for u r ready to lose this all for a smile on the small chubby face…
An evening walk of 10 minutes to the beach made the day special...to give it a cool ending...
Oops!! Ending?? No... For me & ksh didn’t sleep that nite.. was talking so much, involved so much that realized it is 5:30 in the morning...And surprisingly we were not sleepy after that....So for me this Day3 didn’t end to a night but to the next dawn..:-):-)

DAY 4:
A small risk of ksh driving the car......and me at the front seat guiding her....made the journey to Sunday church special for her and for me..
Sleeping was the second thing I had when I get tired of playing with chottus…
An evening stroll to Spencer again….unexpected purchase of a jean from there…:-)
Struggled back in the traffic to get back home; packed stuffs; had to just lick the payasam that was prepared.. Couldn’t have it.. much :-(
9:30 bus boarded from Adayar…..Calls to inform I started…..done with it.
Oh Yeah!!! No need to mention….the same old ladies seat problem again… In bus… one girl was sitting with a guy, and we thought they were couple.. somehow I didn’t feel like asking her by myself….But later when checked ; she told not.. so adjusted… I was wondering why the “@^#%^#%^^” that girl wasn’t bothered to get a ladies seat…somewhat 20 mins time got wasted in it only.. to start the bus…..
Hm, thts it…..windows seat........I seemed very sleepy coz of the Saturday night out me & ksh had together….
I didn’t know anything after I slept…. woke up only when bus reached masjid signal….
Back to Bangalore…early morning cold breeze….Thank God!!! I felt like reaching paradise!!!

My Journey to Chennai

Guess what!! Things are not happening in the way I expected.....
The night I had to go to Chennai at 10:15 bus, things was turned down in such a way that I was in fear that the thing that I am gonna hear jus now..... may take away a smile on my face..
If then what is it and why should I travel? Chennai needs Shruthi more than Bangalore for the next coming days made me feel I should not cancel the journey......Hm...
Much disturbance of thoughts....of me and my journey...like ...to go or not, I had something else also in mind, Yes one of my good friends gonna be engaged this weekend and yes I am not going for his betrothal.....may be I should say the ones he expected the most is not going on his special occasion. I knew I had my own reasons of not possible to attend it..... but the N number of excuses is not a way of denying the expression of the fact. I dropped in an email to the chain of 4 to wish him, to let him know that you are thought of.....and we are with you on your special occasion with all our heart...
Yes....My journey to Chennai had lots of things to do with..thats the reason which I didn’t want to cancel it. I had got the gift for karthik’s wedding....dropped in at frndz to see off our hero for the ceremony...His presence made me feel that I should have gone for the function but some things are helpless in some state.... Having done some amount of kiddie shopping with my roommate for gifting the 2 chotu kids m gonna meet.....I remembered i have a list of calls to make before I board the bus...
A ladies seat is always a concern when I travel at nite by bus.....The need for someone accompanying the journey with me wherever I go ...I felt this little need again....Though bus was at 10:15; it left Bangalore only at 11:45......By the time I was done with all my calls...
A visit to Chennai for the reason I was waiting since some months is finally coming true I guess......:-)

A word called TRUST…

Is this TRUST a mere word? A word to fit in a sentence “Yes I trust you”
Or does it actually have any other meaning…more than anyone have thought of!!
People say you can never define love… Some has lots of definitions for it….Some even write essays on what is love..some just stay dumb…
But have u ever thought of defining what is trust?

What is the actual essence of trusting a person…..? Or how do you learn to trust a person?
I have heard a thousand times, ‘It is easier to build trust , but it takes only a moment to break one’
Is it like trusting a person is your own decision? Or is it circumstances lead to feel you the same for another..
Or is it like trust comes up in a relation naturally…
Or is it the other person makes you feel that he or she is worthy of the trusting factor..
Now tell me what is the trusting factor? Have I ever thought of it? What all it takes me to trust a person…
I meet, I talk, I know ,friendship born, bond of love… understand my yes and my no…. etc..etc..countless things…
Or is it just the feeling of love in any relation….the love that binds between the two..responsible for giving birth to trust.

I should at least think of it now…


Well, here this thought came in where I am confused whether a trust is broken? Or when can you actually say a trust is broken?
And does it breaks in just a moment in such a way…that it dies like can never be born again.
When trust breaks is it like things are never the same…..never ever the same….?
Where there is love trust stays….. or is it like diminishing love for each other weakens the trust?
What is the born factor of trust , and what is it that actually kills it between the two…
When I lie to you -I broke your trust?
When I do something that you don’t like - – I broke your trust?
When I act in ways u never thought of – I broke your trust?
When I turn my back to you for another person- I broke your trust?
When I disclose you or your secret- – I broke your trust?
When is it I break your trust…completely…. that a relation seize to exist…!!!
How is it you stop trusting a person whom you have been trusting from your childhood..
Your parents…something like a blind trust for they are the ones you see first in this world.
Your sister, your brother…..for they have grown up with you…in each step of yours….
Your school friend…Your close friend, Your roommate, Your colleague….
Now am I hearing some other voice in my heart, How is it the meaning of trust differing in each relation…
So is it like trust runs in a relation in the name of love? Or trust runs parallel to the feeling of love…
Oh, No I do have a small trust in the Bmtc bus driver? I sometimes do trust him blindly that he will make my journey safe to the landing point.
Then is there a relation with me and him? Nope?? Of course I don’t love him!!! But I do trust him to a level with safe thoughts.
So trust is not bonded to love…yes it may be parallel lines in the relation….
| | Lines in a relation, a relation where name exists or name not exists…or relation itself doesn’t exist…?
Trust, Belief, Loyalty – all linked with each other…

Cut it …Cut it..Cut it .....juz right here....juz now!!!!


Cmon , I am going from one end to another.....without touching what I want to express....

When, What? Where? Who? How? When questions running in my mind….
Juz because I am in the same place again……
Breaking my trust has happened even before…..
The times of shattering feeling coming inside this small heart…
That’s when you feel so bad…so sad….
Yes Its broken like never before…..
Dead to be never reborn again….
With you my dear , how can I ever feel the same….
Praying that I don’t start hating you…
And one day let it come… I hope…
Like me , may be you can never define what is trust..
Like me , may you soon soon realize what is trust…..

Oh, Its my Bday

I had a nice start of my bday..:-) since april 14th..
I called up all my close relatives….all over the world, wishing them a great Vishu…
All do remember that my bday is on the next day of Vishu, and tht they wished me advance itself…
That feeling makes me feel somewhere I am important in some hearts:-)
Everyone wished me a great year ahead implying the sense of locking me very soon…
The day is just going fine….too…calls, wishes, cakes, lunch, messages, all going great!!!!!

Is Birthday a day for you to rejoice in all you do?
Wishes come in your way, lots of emails bday ecards…..calls come ur way ..one after another…..
Sms memory gets full in ur cellphone…..and wonder which bday wish to delete off and keep the ones…u need ?
Orkut scrapbook flooded with the bday scraps, and u need to find time to reply to each of them personally…:-)
All this signs can make u happy , a happiness feeling that friends are there to care for you…..
Yes, I am experiencing these signs, and yes all these signs should make me happy…..:-)

Happy Birthday dear!!!!


Am not I happy on this day of mine? Yes I am…….:-) Or May be I am:-) Or Am I :-)
At least a big smile always is needed at Shruthi’s face...:-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
All beside her do expect that…at any case...
And I don’t have any plan of running short of other’s expectations, atleast not on my Bday:-)

Though this year...Expectations have fallen short from everyone to an extent on my side…
Last year I remember I had thought how life is changing day by day, and bday is never the same all year….
It’s not that your age increases….. Sometimes the call at midnight for the wish you expect only comes from new persons that has come into your life…
From person that you expect would never remember, had thought of you and called you early morn…
People whom we expect to call and wish sometimes forget ur day……:-(
All this is changing throughout the year….
When some old forget to wish, some new comes into picture….

Mind always stick to the best bday you ever celebrated….:-)
The best bday day you celebrated with ur family…with all around you..
Or your bday day being the wedding day of your best buddy…
Thinking the best b’day gift u got from him..he quitting smoking :-)
The bday where ur colleagues fight to decorate the face with cake creams….
The wonderful bday treat given in celebration…in finest dining hall:-)
Or may be spending the bday day just sitting very close to your love…:-)
Anyways, Birthdays are special to everyone, they become special only with ur special ones around..
Anyways, Birthdays are special to everyone, special ones in life really make it special just for you..

I have people around me more than what I can count in my fingers…to wish me…
So am I luckier that I have so many around to make me feel special..

Time changes all things, and one thing that never changes down is your age….
All says, getting older….. like getting mature, getting wiser…getting…..(I don’t know what else)
I don’t know what all stuffs all have to say……..or write on my day ….
Experience in friendship, love, hate, anger, sincerity, trust, tolerance, distrust, …
Experiences in tears, frustration, smiles, jealousy, selflessness, heartbreaks, disguise…
Experiences in sacrifice, self-control, possessiveness, falling dreams, torturing love, kindness, …

Experiencing much more than I should thes 27 years ; Yes had made me a better person..

I think all should wish on b’day…only one thing.....
To get chances in life where one can just be like a child.:-)

DARK ROOM:-( Somebody o'er there..HELLO!!!!!!!!!!

sh.....: "There is always a door open in a dark room…I find it only when my friend lights a candle:-)"

AR: why would u wait for ur friend to light a candle? take a candle with u when going to a dark room
sh.....: See... dushtaa....
sh.....: you should ve said.
sh.....: "sh...dont worry, i am coming soon with a candle"
AR: ha ha ....
AR: i am trying to get out of a dark room ....
sh.....: hm..
sh.....: ok.thn
sh.....: question here is are we in same dark room??
sh.....: i cannot see yo....u...oh
sh.....: are you there
AR: i will get a torch ...
sh.....: in same dark room?
AR: probably ...
sh.....: ok...ok..
sh.....: soon...
AR: sure ...
sh.....: i am desperate to get out of this dark room..
AR: which dark room?
sh.....: the room, which i cannot see anything....
sh.....: tht dark room, which is very black dark...



sh.....: can u hear me?
AR: exactly ... i was just about to say that ... why don’t u call out loud?
sh.....: Oh!!!!!!! No...
sh.....: Find me a candle!!!! Please......
sh.....: or torch whatever u were about to get...!!
AR: call out loud !!! please ...
sh.....: I am screaming now!!!!
sh.....: Not louder can I... I think that’s y the candle is not yet come....
AR: i cannot hear u .. pick up the phone, dial my no and scream
sh.....: i cannot find phone..
sh.....: its lost somewhere in room...
sh.....: i am afraid to walk in this dark.....
AR: ok ok ... i am coming ...
sh.....: i am waiting....
AR: stretch ur hands out while u are waiting ...
sh.....: yeah.. sure...
sh.....: y dont u get a candle?
sh.....: i cannot see u....
AR: came back to the same candle
sh.....: hm.. okei.okei.. rewind...
AR: i have given u a lot of options ... new valid options ...
AR: i believe in new ways of solving the same problem
AR: so ... u want me to stop???
sh.....: nope..
sh.....: i want to get out of the room right?
sh.....: are you going ot give philosophy or going to get me out of this dark place?
sh.....: i think this room is shaking...
sh.....: and weird sounds I can hear...
AR: now that u are still in the dark room, lets us spend some time till i get there
sh.....: I think lots of dark rooms are there...
AR: yup ...
sh.....: is your room really dark?
sh.....: darker than mine?
AR: no ... i dont think so ...
AR: but dont worry ... i am shining the torch from here
sh.....: ok.. i guess it s taking time ot reach me....
sh.....:
sh.....: speed of light also fails
sh.....:
AR: i need the fog light
sh.....: Oh.
sh.....: I am already lost, how can i find you a light?
AR: that is the specialty of light
AR: u should be able to see it in any dark
AR: ayyo ... my torch is shining black light
AR: that is why u are not seeing it
sh.....: oh.mummy . I am lost.... and you tooo....
AR: dont worry ... i am here na ..
sh.....: tie a white cloth around tht torch light, wil it become white??
sh.....: i am just trying to help you....
AR: good idea ...
sh.....: can you hear me..?
AR: yup ... i have started hearing u ...
sh.....: ok...thank God...
sh.....: Hey...
sh.....: See you in the dark room some tother time...
sh.....: bbye4now..
AR: sure

March....marching me a new way...

There’s much to do with the month of March, this year and last year too…..

Happiest happiest…happiest…. March…. happiest smiles with tears flowing around cheeks :-)

Soul mates like us three are hard to find….long lasting relation of all these years since we met….or since we born for each other…..
Being in middle of 2 guys, being a girl and celebrating the friendship all time was not so easy..within ourselves and neither in this world of all unavoidable questions on us…….But travelled all these years long…..fighting for ourselves….fighting for each other….we 3 have ended in nurturing ourselves so well, that we stand as one in our hearts…..wherever we are……
Much more than our first letter ‘S’ in our names….we had lots of things in common…:-)
May be lots things to be proud of this ultimate combination I got in my life....

When he got married last March…. it was the moment of so much of happiness to me….
Inside though the selfish individual of losing the greatest gift of a friend- his time was going to be no longer with me…..

Now I have gone through the pain of losing his presence, I know it was tough for him too….but not more than what I ve gone through…
I say that with so much assurance….coz…coz…..
“”“It’s hard to bring change in life , when someone leave a space in your daily life and move on….The other one , gotta reason to change life, gets involved in the daily day to go…. A new way of life…where a forceful change comes in life… and gets adapted to much easier than the one who is left out still there ….the one who is left out…trying hard to exist with the greatest change of parting with a friend…..””””””
I think all will agree to this if had experienced this state in losing a presence of your dear one….in any ways..


Survived a year… for I have been confiding in my best friend..…and fighting with time…We both were missing his presence in life……in most of the things...I remember we used to talk only of him at some times..
And this time I decided, I would never leave you my friend all alone…for you are my all in all….whom I love to the core of my soul…..
I prayed with my full heart… all days, in all temples, in all churches I visited.. that this pain I’m going thru, let you not suffer…. I wished I could find someone to hold his hands too...a forever hand with him....and I could silently leave him too.…with time….without him getting hurt…. without him knowing the pain of absence of a friend in life…..

This march is come again once more….
Time shows the situations where we can’t avoid.. and see its time for my prayer to come true…God does hear me, not bad!!!!! Hm.... :-)
It's again the most happiest moment in my life, my heart dancing in full swing and sway…
Inside though the selfish individual of losing the greatest gift of a friend- his time was going to be no longer with me…..
This march we three had spent some time together...
And the D day...…hearts full….overwhelmed with happiness….This threesome stands out of rest in my life coz of the special togetherness we share in across distance…:-)
Friendship…..is a blessing..and true friendships for a lifetime is for only blessed people like us..….:-)

April is coming again…
I stand like a broken alphabet ‘S’ trying to mend it up with still signs of the 2 cracks in it…

And I am waiting for the next March to come my way, where I will celebrate 10 years of my lifetime with you both…. and then…… wonder……If the next march is my turn…to hold a hand which I can call as mine forever…:-)


There’s much to do with the month of March, this year and last year too…..and may be next year too.....

ME...in GXS

My discussion is over… Got ME..

I heard most of all are not getting ME, and even if they get ME no hike…this year…

I have not got any comments for improvement areas, except learn new technologies…


Feels happy..:-) a bit relaxed too...:-)


I feel, the very best thing that happened or did in 2008 is resigning from Wipro..I thank tht triggerring thought...came and i decided it in no time.

I cant even imagine what state i would be if I was still there...

31st evening...

New year eve... was special to me!!!!
In all ways!!!!

I wil never forget this evening and i am sure it was the best new year evening i ever had!!! may be a new year night.....so special that i will never never have in my life like this. :-)



Welcome 2009....:-)